Don’t be quick to react.

You ever do something out of spite or just the heat of the moment? My mom made me do some spring cleaning about 2 weekends ago and I threw out a lot of stuff, stuff that I can never get back and now it’s hitting me like damn why did I do that. I know why I did it at the time but now I’m regretting what I did. For some odd reason I picked up my old laptop and I connected my phone and I saw photos that I no longer have on my phone that were on my old laptop so I’m glad I still have them because they make me smile and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying some old memories just don’t live in the past, it is what it is, and things will be how they’re suppose to be so don’t stress life, it’s not suppose to be a perfect Hollywood movie, it’s suppose to be this beautiful mess of new adventures and as time goes on so will the people you go on those adventures with. Just remember though, no matter how upset you are at the moment think of the long run how beneficial that thing you’re about to do may be for you.

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Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken.

Here’s a interesting YouTube video I was watching and I would like to give my own answer after you watch it.

The simple answer is yes. So around 6 minutes and 25 seconds I was able to relate with that man. I had one suicidal thought and it was the scariest thing ever. It happen February 9th the moment right after I called my ex. Luckily I did believe in God and had a relationship with him because I don’t know if I’d be here right now if didn’t but that’s a story for another day. I’m here to talk about my heart break, She was my high school sweetheart and my first real relationship, I definitely broke her heart way before she broke mine. I think she’s a wonderful young lady with a kind heart and anyone would be lucky to have her. I don’t hold grudges and I’ve tried to hate her but in the end of the day I never can. She was my bestfriend, yesterday I actually saw a photo of her on Facebook with her cap and gown, it was a bittersweet feeling because I thought I would be there for that chapter of her life, I was always trying to be her little cheerleader in the corner. Trying to help her with homework even though I knew nothing about environmental sciences, so trying to teach myself while trying to help someone else was pretty hard lol. You don’t understand how happy I am for her. When I saw that photo I had the biggest smile on my face because it was such a relief like yes she finally did it. I always knew she was able to do it but just seeing that photo was just a breath of fresh air.

Does it affect me today? Yes but not in the way you think. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for her. If you ever met her you’d probably think she was a weirdo if you just didn’t get her. Under that complex way of thinking she has, she makes you want to change for the better because he ideology of just life is just so humane and humble and I wanted to just like her. Whenever she was down or uncertain of how the future may be, you kind of just wanted to be this positive force for her because there is hope. This affects me today because I’m scared that I will never find someone I had that special bond with again, I’m scared that when I do find someone she won’t get all the love she deserves because in the back of my head there’s always going to be the thought of the bond me and ex had, will it ever compare to what I have now? It affects me today because with my relationships with other people (male or female), I often feel distant since I no longer open myself up to people and if I do open up it takes a lot longer than usual, that makes me a bit sad because I use to be this loud person but now I’m just more quiet if anything.

What would I tell her today? Well obviously just that I’m proud of her and I hope she continues to succeed in life. If I still know her like I use to I’d tell her don’t be scared. Just like us, and now college, this part of your life may be over but there’s many other adventures yet still to come.

No Running =(

So I haven’t ran in over a week and I’m getting antsy because of it. I haven’t ran because of my knee. This a pain I’ve never felt before, like it’s been over a week and my knee still hurts. It’s at random times as well. Whether it’s when I stand in spot for too long or sit in a chair funny. Me not running is not what’s making me antsy though it just helps me be less antsy, it’s because my friend Laura. Laura called me yesterday asking me to me to go up to Albany to see her graduate and go to the bar for one last night out in Albany next weekend. I went to school at Albany for only a semester and it’s because my life was being turned upside down during my time there and it’s no one’s fault but my own, I justified drinking as the solution to all my problems. Either way I made two awesome friends Laura and Alex. So obviously I want to be there for her. I dropped out of Albany in January of 2018 and I’ve only visited once since Halloween weekend. After throwing up and my head using the toilet as a pillow, I decided to just chill out, this lifestyle isn’t for me anymore and I did for the most part. Every time I go to Albany I just want to go home. It’s like this place changes my character. I have crazy fun for the night but when I wake up the next day and it’s daytime no one was there and when they were it didn’t feel like it.

I Also have to tell my mom I’m going and I want to take my car but my mom freaks out because my car is on the older side. Long Island to Albany is about a 3 hour drive and I have to drive through New York City which isn’t a problem for me I’ve done it multiple times. My mom on the other hand freaks out for the slightest of things so I don’t know how I’m going to bring this up to her.

Back to running, today when I went to work, I noticed my job’s parking lot was the finish line to a marathon. This made me upset because I knew I couldn’t run even though I wanted to. I’m afraid something will happen to my knee mid run and I can’t run forever plus I don’t have insurance so I don’t want it to be something major. I think I’m going to try to run tomorrow and hope my knee doesn’t collapse on me.

Well have a good night guys, wish me luck that my knee doesn’t give up on me. Also let me know what you guys do to calm your nerves?

Confidence

It’s crazy because I had this in my drafts (I completely forgot to post this, its over a month old) and couldn’t post it because I just simply didn’t know the answer to this but I went to the WWE’s Hall of Fame, I honestly didn’t think I was going to find the answer I was looking for at a wrestling event.
So story time, I have this one friend who lacks confidence, he thinks he’s extremely fat which he isn’t at all. So me and my other friend are trying to get him out of his comfort zone a bit. So we went to the mall the other day just to show him like what we think is cool and just trying to give him tips to be more confident. My friend who lacks confidence was telling me and my other friend how he likes loose fitting jeans, which isn’t a bad thing, but I want him to try wearing skinny jeans just to see how he feels in them. His wardrobe isn’t bad either but I feel like he dresses too much like an adult, I mean I’m 22 and I use to dress a lot like him and maybe it’s because we’re a product of the town we grew up in and we were trying to fit in with the rich white kids but lately I’ve switched up my style I’ve been dressing down a lot and yeah I might look like hooligan but I feel comfortable and confident in my clothes
So what are some tips to being confident you may ask? Well personally I don’t know. WWE’s Hall of Fame wrestler Torrie Wilson knows for sure. She first said she was a shy person but she pushed herself to be confident for all her fan which I respect a lot. Her first tip was “Permission is for pansies” don’t ask permission to do what you want to do. It’s your life! you should live it however way you want to live it. Her second tip, which I thought was pretty funny “Summon your Swagger!” for me this meant whenever the occasion calls for it, be the most confident person you know. Yeah this is probably the hard part of confidence but think of it this way. You don’t always need to be super confident but let’s say you’re dancing at a club or something, you’re shy of dancing in public, summon your swag, even if you look stupid at dancing, your happy and having a great time people will notice your confidence. Torrie Wilson’s last tip and probably the most important. “Forget your failures” Look everyone is going to fuck up but you can’t let that get the best of you. Example of this is I went to bar with my friend Justin in the city and he just recently became single and he doesn’t talk to random girls at bars but he did it anyways. He got rejected and he took it like a champ. Already forgetting his failure, he took it more like a lesson. He said “wow honestly that gave me so much confidence I’ve never done that before but I think I can do that now with no fear.” Props to him because I’m still scared to do that lol.
Look confidence comes in difference forms but we shouldn’t let fear ruin our lives. Life is too short to be living it to the fullest. BE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR IN SKIN. take chances. Always believe in yourself, you’re capable of doing anything you set your mind to and more.

Happy Friday guys! Enjoy the start of your weekend and be confident with whatever you do today. Love you guys!

What I want.

I hope there’s not too many errors in this post I didn’t have much time to write this today before I went to work

So there’s this girl I barely talk to, but every time I do somehow she ends up saying “aww you’ll find someone someday” and I don’t know why she said that. I rather be alone, like I’m seriously fine with being alone. It sounds weird I know but I just don’t click well with people that well anymore and it seems like the older I get, I start speaking less and less to people like wanting to connect with new people, I judge a lot not in like oh that person is stupid way but more in I compare people to me way so if you’re not like me, we’ll probably won’t be friends. It’s just weird how she assumes that I’m looking for someone. Personally a relationship is just not what I want anymore. I’m 22 going on to 23 and while it’s May and I see people graduating from school, getting married or having kids. I’m not jealous about any of that. I’m happy for everyone else who is graduating, getting married or having kids because obviously that’s their dream but unfortunately that’s not mine. People think that just because you do any of things that I mentioned, that you’re happy or successful but I’m not any of those and I’ve never been happier. The other day I was going through my photos and after scrolling for a while, I said to myself, I have a fucking amazing life like I’m so lucky, I’ve travel so much since I left high school, like I know other people travel and others probably travel more than I do but I don’t know all the journeys I got to experience with all these different people. I think that’s what life is about. It’s not about fulfilling other people’s expectations. It’s about literally doing what the fuck you want.

Two weekends ago I was high at the bar and I said to myself “wow we really are the stars of our own movies” like you are in control of your life, so if you’re not happy with a situation, do something about it. In the end of the day you are in control of your happiness.

So to the girl who keeps telling me “aww you’ll find someone one day” I say no thank you. I’m not looking for a perfect someone. I’m looking for me. That’s why my blog is called discovering me. I don’t know how old all my followers are but if you’re on social media and you see someone with the “perfect life” don’t be jealous, 1. Be happy for them and 2. Their life probably isn’t perfect, so don’t worry if yours isn’t. Just focus on yourself. An example of this is my best friend Brian, I really hope his baby mama doesn’t read my blogs. He graduated from university, has a kid with his high school sweetheart, a beautiful home, a nice car, and he is one of the most unhappiest people I know. Me on the other hand I have none of that and I’m one of the happiest people I know. All these experiences I’ve been lucky to have, Brian hasn’t been apart of any of it, if anything he missed out on all of them. So just because you want something doesn’t mean it’ll make you happy. I hope you guys enjoy your life and start living in the moment and not in the future

P.s. yesterday at work went great and I was anxious for no reason, always remember to have faith in yourself because I seem to always forget lol

Nail biter

So something people don’t know about me is that, I actually have anxiety. I think one person knows about it but I never told them I had it. I always play it cool, you’d never assume that I’m an anxious person because I seem cool, calm, and collected but in reality I’m freaking out on inside. I use to bite my nails all the time in front of this person and they would always question me why I would bite them but I played it off and told them it was a force of habit. I no longer bite my nails because I had invisible aligners for awhile and was unable to bite my nails and I haven’t felt really anxious in awhile either (I tend to get anxious while driving alone to place I’m unfamiliar with). Today I am feeling pretty anxious though. I got promoted at my job and now I have to do computer stuff and I consider myself a tech savvy person but I was trained for maybe an hour yesterday and now I have to do it on my own today. The reason I feel anxious is because if I fuck up then the company can miss out on thousands of dollars. I tend to mess up at my job to begin with, so this nerve wrecking. Right now I’m just rerunning what I learned yesterday in my head over and over again before I go to work. The more I do it, the more I wished that I asked more questions. I hate messing up. It makes me feel dumb. I keep telling myself it’s going to be fine just go slowly but I feel like I’m going to forget steps. I should probably drink some tea to calm down. Anyways I hope everyone is having a better start to their day than I am! Happy Wednesday guy! Friendly reminder to take it slow!

5 year plan?

Yesterday someone posted an Instagram poll on their story asking their followers if they had a 5 year plan. I didn’t have one. That made me feel like my life didn’t have a purpose because I don’t know what’s to come next with my life. In 5 years I’ll be 27/28 years old. I want to do something with my life but I don’t know what. Right now my life consists of just working. I work Monday through Saturday. I don’t mind my job but I also don’t want that to be my life forever. So I guess this post is forcing me to come up with a 5 year plan now. So year one I move out my house, move in with two of my friends. Year two depending how I’m doing financially, go back to school, switch my major to English since I’m a psychology major now and no longer want to continue studying psychology. Year three attempt to write a book. Year four maybe find somebody to love (I don’t know if I want to get married though, so I should probably figure that out first). Year five, take a vacation from everything and everyone. I feel like I always have trouble figuring out who I am, maybe this way I can. Personally I don’t like how my 5 year plan sounds right now but maybe there will some tweaks along the way. Well let me know if you guys have a 5 year plan, or just an idea of what your future may look like. Have a great day guys!