Feelings 11.10.19

Somedays I just want to talk to you. Not romantically but just as friends and we’d talk about our lives and just our families, just be there for each other. I know this isn’t possible I’ve made a few big mistakes in the past but honestly, Lately I’ve been missing you and I think it might be because my family is on vacation and I just feel alone and trapped inside my own home. Days like this are the one’s where I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m the best version of myself and I feel like no one wants me. I try too hard to be perfect and when I fail I beat myself up for it and it sucks. Like right now I feel stuck in my head with my thoughts thinking I wish my friends would leave because I want to be alone right now, but I can’t. I asked them to be here and they’re here and happy and my dog seems happy so what can I do? Fake a smile pretend like everything is okay and keep it moving, I know I have problems communicating but I feel like no one wants to listen so I just close up and become the listener. I just wish I felt at home. This is the only place I have where I can vent. It’s like the grip around my neck loosens up just enough for me to just barely breathe but it’s good enough to catch my breath. I’m also stressed about tomorrow. My manager is going on vacation for 3 days and I have to do a lot of computer work and it’s a lot more than I’m used to, I feel like I won’t have enough time tomorrow to get everything done, I don’t want to let my team down, I don’t want to fuck up and I don’t want to make a mistake where my company loses money. I know my manager believes in me but I wish I believed in myself more. I hate how my confidence will be all the way up then it plummets to the ground. I’m just stressed and I think it’s causing me to break out. Which I don’t like because I’ve been working hard trying to keep my skin clear. Well that’s all I wanted to talk about. Thank you to all the people who read this, have a blessed day.

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