Life December 11th

Well I have a lot of thoughts in my head today so I figured why not just write them and hopefully I’ll feel better, well I keep thinking about the girl I went on a date with the other day and how she was the sweetest person I’ve met in the longest time. Meeting her was so refreshing but also so unwelcoming, what do I mean by that? Well I guess let me tell you a story. Back in my community college days when I broke up with ex my for the first time there was a reason behind it. I broke up with her because I wanted to experience other people, but it’s funny because the next day, I got back together with my ex because I was so afraid to lose her and I thought was this really worth losing the best thing in my life at the moment? So I kind of find my life repeating itself right now. I told this girl that I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend at the moment and it was obvious that she wanted a boyfriend but I just couldn’t be that guy she’s looking for right now, I’m not the guy who’s going to text you 24/7, I’m not the guy who’s going to give you attention 24/7 like that’s just not who I am anymore, I’m too focused on myself. I love myself and I can’t do this right now. If do this I feel like I’ll lose all the progress I made on myself. She was the first person to understand that and for me that was so nice because girls usually curse me out for whatever reason for being honest with them so I appreciate that, more than she’ll ever know. This time I chose the experiencing other people option because I don’t want to live my life wondering what if, It sucks how this is actually the first time where I meet a girl who’s actually amazing and beautiful but I had to let her go, I’m worried about if I’m making the right choice and I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I just don’t want to get in a relationship too quick and not experience a “hoe” phase, for the longest time I’ve kept to myself because simply I was just sad about my breakup and now that I’m over it, getting back to the gym, confidence is going back up, I want to do this for me. No regrets. Maybe it’s fear of love too but my guard is up now and I don’t open up like I don’t budge, during this date the girl kept asking me tell me about yourself and I just didn’t want to budge, I didn’t want to tell her anything about me. It was weird someone wanting to hear what I want to say because I’m always the listener, people come to me when they need to talk and I just listen and give them my advice, I think it’s because I don’t judge and I give them my honest opinion. Anyways that was so unlike me, I usually open up like a book like I don’t care but I feel like I’m just a whole different person from my past. I’m more patient, calm but also more of an asshole. I like the person I’m becoming. It would be nice to have a partner but I think it’s more important that I love myself and I feel like I’m finally understanding this concept of “self love”, I used to run a lot, I no longer run like not at even at the gym (that’s because I’m bulking up tho) but I feel like running represents my past and how I would just run away from my problems. Now the gym represents how I’m struggling but I’m facing all my problems head first. Today will be 3 weeks straight of me going to the gym and missed like 5 days of going 3 weeks straight but going to the gym to me is so important. Like I’d probably miss less days if I didn’t have something to do those days like tomorrow I’m going to a concert in the city and have to miss the gym again and I always feel some weird way when I miss the gym like I’m really doing this right now instead of going to the gym. I feel like my body still looks the same but I’m finally getting stronger, I was finally able to bench press and it was out of no where too because I did more weight than what I was struggling with before so even though my body still looks the same, I couldn’t be prouder of myself. It’s all those small victories, those are important so you keep going. Well I decided not to proof read so good luck reading this haha. Have a great day guys and remember to continue having small victories!

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