WTF!

My New Year’s celebration started off crazy, my friend alex and I were going to go celebrate New Years in the city with my friend Laura who lives in the city, but when alex arrived to the city she realized that she forgot her ID and had to go home. It was upsetting at first since we’ve planned out this day for weeks now and we all wanted to see each since we haven’t in a long time. Well me and Alex haven’t. I see Laura not often but more than I see Alex. The reason behind that is because that’s the girl I have been crushing on. I told Laura that on New Year’s while I was drunk. I’ve know this girl for over 2 years now and she’s become my best friend and I can’t imagine her not being in my life because she’s always been there for me. But this August, I realized how much she just means to me and my feelings for her just kept growing. At first it was really easy to ignore my feelings for her. Then it was like a on and off switch I kept saying I like her then I don’t like her. I think it was last week of October, I took a picture of her on my camera, just snapping pictures like I usually do but when I got home to edit them I just realized wow she’s gorgeous, she’s got this beautiful face where you just feel at ease when you’re talking to her. When I stare into her eyes I get so mesmerized like I just can’t say no to her. Like I said she’s always been there for me and I just want to be there for her no matter what the circumstance is but I think her sense of humor is what I love the most about her because it’s so similar to mine. Sorry about that I got side tracked, I don’t really crush that often but when I do it’s hard. So I told her how I felt and how I was scared to like her because of my past I’m just afraid of getting hurt again. It took me a long time to get where I am now but I’m here and I’m stronger than ever but she said “I would never hurt you, you mean so much to me” and it was really nice hearing that but you know how many times I’ve heard that before in the past? I’ve even said it and I wasn’t able to keep my promise so why would it be different with you? I’m so afraid of love, I know I deserve to be loved but I’m so scared of it. Anyways she said let’s go on a date when we were drunk. I usually don’t bring up conversations we have when we’re drunk on the following day because I feel like it’s annoying talking about feeling but we have hooked up before and I don’t know I’m afraid she doesn’t mean it because we’re drunk, but two days ago, I said fuck it. I’ll ask her on that date and hopefully she wasn’t kidding, and she said yes but it’s not for a while. In my case I think it’s a good thing, it gives me time to plan stuff out. Something I am guilty of from my past is that I didn’t plan stuff out or if I did, I got lazy and stopped trying because I got too comfortable and I promised myself I’d never be that guy again. I already have everything planned before I even asked her out. So first we’d go to a sip and paint, she likes wine so I feel like she’d enjoy it, I love art so I know I’ll have fun. I’m just hoping it’s something different that she’s never experienced before. She wants to eat ramen so that’s where we’ll eat after, I’ll take her to my favorite spot. There’s one last thing after ramen. I remember her telling me that she’s always wanted to go to Ikea because she’s never been, so I want to take her to Ikea. I think it’s something sweet because I remember something small and I’m sure it’s something she’d think I would forget because it was so random but unfortunately for her I pay more attention to the little things than the bigger things. I wonder if she ever notices the small things I do. Like whenever we get in a uber with each other does she ever notice how I always open the door for her? I try not to let chivalry die completely. I haven’t plan out a serious date in so long. Like I been on dates before but I put minimal effort into them like maybe dinner, a movie, sit on a bench. This is different though, this is someone I already care deeply about. I always wanted to show Laura and Alex how a real man is supposed to treat a lady, because they were my best friends and I don’t want them to get treated poorly by some jerk, I didn’t want them to settle for some dude that wouldn’t go the extra mile for them. It’s crazy how I have that chance with Laura now but if you would have asked me if I would have ever had a crush on Laura when I first met her, I would have told you no because I always saw her as my friend. Now that it’s happening, it shocks me. There’s a funny story actually, on my birthday I posted a picture of Laura, Alex and I and my best friend who lives in Florida at the time showed it to his baby mama and said watch Steven have a crush on her and pointed to Laura in the photo. So it’s funny because I do.

My friend jonny, his coworker’s husband offered him a job and it’s a construction job in the city and Jonny told me about it and if I was interested, he’ll tell him for me. The job is in the city and that’s where I want to end up at. My dream is to work in the city because it’s the place I love the most. I always wanted to do construction to be honest, but high school made it seem like it’s a bad job, or that if you didn’t have a college degree you weren’t successful in life but I think it’s so cool just being able to create stuff with my hands and it’s basically a workout but most importantly it’s a skill not every man knows like let’s say I own a home when I’m older and I want to remodel something, if I do work in construction I’ll have some knowledge on what to do, probably just have to watch a YouTube video or two and I’d know what I’m doing because I know the basics. So I’m excited to see if that falls through, I have a meeting with the construction guy on Sunday, I can’t wait.

So I named this post WTF! What the fuck. Why you may ask? Well it’s like my life is finally coming together now. The girl I want is going on a date with me, she can have literally any guy she wants and I don’t say that because I’m insecure (because I’m not at least not anymore), I say that because she’s absolutely gorgeous and I’m not saying that because I like her, I say it because it’s true, whenever we go to bars, guys always try to talk to her. I say what the fuck because I finally might get a chance to work in the city. Something I’ve been dreaming about for a moment now. I say what the fuck because it seems like my life is finally good, the past two years were extremely hard for me like everything sucked and I felt stuck, but I found God and my life has changed for the better, I decided a couple of months ago to love myself instead of feeling sorry for myself, why am I punishing myself for something I can never change. Something for no offense, doesn’t matter anymore. So instead of punishing myself mentally I just punish myself in the gym where I can make better and positive impact on myself. In my past I used to run a lot and I feel like it represented how I lived my life at the time. Just running away from my problems, they’ll fix themselves but now there is no running I go head first in the storm. So to anyone who is still struggling please hang on, have faith. It does get better. Please believe in yourself. You’ll always be stronger than what you expect yourself to be. When you aren’t feeling strong, pray to God to help you, ask him for that extra strength to keep going, he’ll give it to you. So the last thing I want to say before I end this blog is, thank you God, your hard work on me hasn’t been unnoticed and I’ll continue to be the best version of myself that I can be because of you. This is probably my longest blog post ever or in a long time so forgive me everyone, I hope everyone has a great and great year. I love you all.

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