I’ve been really depressed lately and it’s really bad like I thought about killing myself today and I spent most my day crying in the bathroom at work. This is the second time this has happen to me. I start to forget to breathe until someone calms me down and luckily I had a good friend to help me through it today and what he said to me made me cry even more and I felt better but I’m tired of feeling like this because I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I want to tell my mom but I’m scared she already has one child with depression she doesn’t need another one. I’ve always been the golden boy like she never had to worry about me and I don’t want to give her another thing she has to stress about, I just don’t know what to do. Anyways I do want to share what my friend said because I feel like it can help other people too. while I read this again I feel so fucking stupid that I want to die. There’s so many people that care about me and I know it too and I love them so much but sometimes it’s just so hard to keep going. I didn’t have the best childhood growing up and I know a lot of people had it worse than me but I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My life was literally perfect like a month ago, I feel less insecure and I love myself and now I just feel like what’s the point of anything in life, I don’t like feeling this way.
Because somedays I forget breathe.
Oxygen is the people around me.
When I feel like no one cares,
I feel like two hands are around my neck.
I’m suffocating and I forget my purpose.
If you picture an air bubble popping what do you think of?
For me it’s my friends the people who support me
When that bubble pops it’s them telling me to live.
I’ve been suffocating for too long and I hate. I hate. I hate how everyone assumes it’s because of you. There’s days where I don’t even think about you there’s days that I don’t care because I left you in my past and I’m only worried about my future but the way I picture it, I see nothing. Then I being to worry and get anxious thinking of things that may never happen but I always expect the worst because I’m just used to it. again fuck I’m not breathing and I have to catch my breath. I’m just a man gasping for air. Hoping people will care.
Yesterday I got stung by a bee. I was scared since I’ve never been stung by a bee before, at first I thought it was a tick since my friend and I were talking about a tick that changes your DNA to make you allergic to meat. Then after feeling pain on my right leg, I was like fuck why am I in so much pain right now and I look behind me to notice it was a yellow jacket (technically a wasp and not a bee btw) stinging the shit out of me. If you know anything about bees or wasp, yellow jackets just sting you because they’re assholes, like they enjoy doing it and they don’t die after stinging you, so don’t take it personal. Anyways this guy was stinging me for at least a minute until he finally got off of me, I was mad at first but then I was like you know what it’s all good. Mr. Yellow Jacket could of stung anyone but he stung me, I must be special =). Enjoy being outside, there’s always cool things you can find, so don’t let bees, wasps or ticks ruin your fun!
I keep telling myself how I don’t want to repeat my actions and mistakes from my past but I’m so dumb, if I keep acting like this will it last? Maybe it’s because I think my life is boring, I’m always looking for the next big thing. Speaking to women who don’t need to be spoken to, but I keep acting up because I know I can get away with it. Why do I find this fun. Life decisions like I haven’t learnt a thing. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t go down this path again. Feelings like I don’t care maybe because I was hurt and now I feel like I have ruin other people’s happiness because I fucked up my shot. With my tears shed, I feel alone again. So many people around why do I feel alone. I always tell myself I’ll never call you again. The only thing I seem to do right. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you at night. I remember all the fights. Sorry because I’ll probably lie again. Fuck.
I think it’d be cool to be homeless in New York City and all I had with me was my phone and camera.
So with work and just life going on, I’ve just been very busy lately and I know that isn’t an excuse and I’m probably just going to get busier with summer coming but like in my last post I do want to write more.
So what is to come in the future? Well yesterday I just bought my first DSLR camera which I’ve been wanting to buy since last year. I just need to make one more big purchase and I’m set to start my summer project. My summer project I’ve been planning it out here and there but I’m getting closer to start it. So I use to make YouTube videos and let me tell you they were terrible so I deleted all of them except for one because I knew I was going to do YouTube again and I didn’t want to start over with making a channel. Why’d I quit in the first place? Good question at that point of my life I was just giving up on everything, I was frustrated and my computer wasn’t strong enough to handle video editing so it took way too long to edit a video plus while watching the video during editing it would always lag while I edit so I couldn’t see what exactly I was editing or I’d have to watch it over and over again until I got it right, the videos weren’t coming out how I wanted them to be but now that I have this great big idea I think I’m ready to try again. Since my knowledge about film making, computers and cameras grew.
What’s my big idea? Another good question well when I first did YouTube it was strictly Vlogs and I felt like I had to force my life to be exciting and it didn’t seem genuine. I always wanted to make films. Films, photos, and writing are where I get to show off my creativity. So as some of my first couple of followers know, I was majoring in psychology at University at Albany, why is that important to know well my videos aren’t going to be about psychology necessarily but I’m starting off with my friends (my friends don’t know yet I’ve been keeping quiet about it) then working up my courage to ask strangers but I’m going to ask them deep questions and they can answer it however they want to answer it jokingly or seriously whatever but I want it to be like a therapy session where they can vent their feelings or problems, where I can be someone people talk to and I know not many people are open to sharing their feelings especially on the internet but we’ll see how it goes. This is a learning experience and we’ll see how it goes. Every time I have a new idea as in a new question to ask people I write it down in my book that no one knows I own (top secret 🤫). So for example my first question I wrote down was “why aren’t you where you want to be in life” these types of questions aren’t to make people feel bad, they’re so people understand we’re more similar to each other than you think. Everyone goes through shit and experiences are different for everyone, so it’s okay if you’re not at the point in life where you want to be. It’s okay to feel hurt sometimes.
Well more to come soon I’ll keep you guys update when I start my project it’s most likely beginning in the end of summer but I’ll keep you posted and to all my followers thank you for your patiences and support. I hope all this will be worth the wait, in the meantime here’s my first crappy blog if anyone wants to check it out https://youtu.be/1qL_IIZJBVk
I have so many things I have to write about but I feel like I never have enough time to write ugh. I’m going to try to post more I promise.