Promise to myself.

I keep telling myself how I don’t want to repeat my actions and mistakes from my past but I’m so dumb, if I keep acting like this will it last? Maybe it’s because I think my life is boring, I’m always looking for the next big thing. Speaking to women who don’t need to be spoken to, but I keep acting up because I know I can get away with it. Why do I find this fun. Life decisions like I haven’t learnt a thing. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t go down this path again. Feelings like I don’t care maybe because I was hurt and now I feel like I have ruin other people’s happiness because I fucked up my shot. With my tears shed, I feel alone again. So many people around why do I feel alone. I always tell myself I’ll never call you again. The only thing I seem to do right. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you at night. I remember all the fights. Sorry because I’ll probably lie again. Fuck.

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Home Alone.

Tired of nights going home alone.
Thinking of you while I got no one to hold
Yet I go home alone.
Waiting for our story to be told
I’m still going home alone.
I don’t want to grow old
Another night alone.
So many girls, yet it’s hard to let the real me to unfold
I don’t want to go home alone.
It’s like I’m losing control
Don’t make me go home alone.
So many voices in my head, it’s like my brain wants to explode
Why am I going home alone?
My life feels like a repeat of an old episode
I’m going home alone.

Fear of Being Alone

We all want love. It’s just something we crave but the more I notice, I feel like people don’t let their hearts heal before moving on. Let me explain. I think we have this huge fear of being alone or that things won’t get better from our past, or we honestly just want to move on, so someone new is that quick fix that we’re looking for. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you hold on for that pain for a bit. Let your heart heal before you meet someone new. I don’t think it’s fair to be with someone, if I’m in love with someone else and I’m speaking from experience, so story time. I went out with this girl from bumble (a dating app) and for some reason she like fell in love with me after the first date, which blew my mind because like she barely knew me, and I didn’t say she was going to be my girlfriend. Well after the first date I notice that she deleted her bumble which for me was extremely odd because like I said we weren’t together and from my understanding and from what I told her I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship. The reason why I told her I didn’t want a relationship was because I knew I was still in love with my ex at the time and I knew that this was the first date I went on after my break up which I kept telling myself I can’t settle for the first person I meet, why’d I tell myself that you ask? Well I think I would have attached myself to this person for the wrong reasons, my fear of being alone and just for that person to make me feel better. I shouldn’t have to depend on someone else for my happiness. I tell myself all the time I have to learn to be happy on myself and just love myself the best I can, you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself and for me that was an important concept. I have a tendency for just settling for the first thing that comes into my life, and that’s not okay. Be patient, I promise you that you don’t need anyone right now. Good things come to those who wait. Just let things fall into place, the right person will come into your life when you’re not even looking. Enjoy being single, trust me it’s not for forever even if it seems that way. Love you guys.

Sometimes.

Sometimes it takes a drunk call to certain someone to make you realize you’re alone
Sometimes it takes a bit of throwing up to realize there’s no one there to help
Sometimes it takes a stranger to make you realize they aren’t my home.
Sometimes it takes a bit of drugs to make you believe everything will be okay.
Sometimes it takes a friend to make you realize you aren’t helpless
Sometimes it takes God to make you realize you have to keep faith
Sometimes you have to revisit the past to realize you were the one.

Love me…

Why don't you love me 
Why did you leave
You left me alone 
There was nothing to hold 
No more stories to unfold 
without a trace 
I no longer see your face 
we had a hot flame 
burnt out , am I the one to blame?
How could this transpire?
Going through the wire 
Yet I'm the liar. 
Oh how I miss your skin 
when will I ever win.