I Am Afraid Of Love

After I broke up with my ex, for the longest time I hated love, well not exactly. I tried to convince myself that love doesn’t exists. I’d tell myself love is such a selfish thing, we only say we are in love because we’re afraid to be alone, we use each other for our own happiness, I was such a negative person about this, after my breakup I forgot what love is really about, it’s about being with your best friend, enjoying each other’s company, protecting and supporting each other, through thick and thin, push each other to be the best versions of each other, always remember to make each other laugh, and enjoying life together. I think I told myself this because I was just afraid of love. I was afraid of loving someone other than my ex, I think I’m still afraid of love. I think it’s the main reason why I’m single. Real love makes us vulnerable, like opening up to someone new scares me. New people make me think of my ex, I compare every girl to her and how they aren’t as good as her so I feel like I have this impossible standard no girl will ever meet. Whenever you’re in a relationship I feel like you lose a bit of yourself because you guys start becoming like one another. I don’t want to lose myself again especially after just figuring out who I am. Another reason I’m scared of love is because there’s so many positive moments in a relationship, but no one thinks about the hurt it comes with, like I feel like the more in love you become with someone, the more they can hurt you. The person’s intention might not be to hurt you but when they do, it does hurt the most coming from them. Love can be unequal sometimes, at times it may seem like you love me more or I love you more because of the amount of affection you give back to that person, we want what we give to our significant other and sometimes your partner might not reciprocate that affection back, I think I have a full understanding of this now but when I dated my ex I definitely did not, I craved affection because I wanted to know that my ex loved me. I think I craved it so much because of the lack of love I was given as a kid. Now I try to keep an open mind but I’m not looking for anything serious or any kind of relationship. Somedays I miss cuddling but that’s okay it’s not a permeant thing, I just have to wait until I’m ready, I have a long life to live and I just want to enjoy it, enjoy my friends, enjoy all the experiences that will come and just be happy being me.

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How Nostalgic Is Your Music?

Recently Spotify came out with a playlist called your top songs 2018, obviously this is a playlist of the song you listened to the most this year. Music for me was always a powerful tool, because whenever I couldn’t express myself using words there was always a song that could just explain how I was feeling. On top of that music always brings back certain memories for me it’s kind of like how when you smell something familiar like let’s say grandma’s cookies, so you picture yourself as a child at grandma’s house, well that’s what music does for me. This playlist brought back so many memories while I went on my run the other day. I ran to the beach for the first time in a while (because it’s a bit far and I’ve been out of shape to run that far) but man I had the whole beach to myself and I sang my heart out, tears came out as I’m remembering some memories I had with my ex on this beach. All the memories were good memories, but they are memories that I just wish could happen again you know? My ex was the only girl that was able to answer this question, “what’s your favorite song?” whenever I ask any other girl, they hit me with the I listen to everything. My ex answered with “If I Die Young by The Perry Band and Being Again by Taylor Swift” this morning when I woke up at 5am and for some odd reason I really want to listen to “Begin Again” and I don’t really go on my ex’s Instagram but I’m scrolling through and I just say out loud to myself “wow, she’s beautiful.”. I will always think to myself that I let the best thing that has ever happen to me walk away from my life. I broke up with my ex and when I wanted her back she didn’t want me anymore. I wish I was stronger back then to withstand the pain I was going through at the time but my pride didn’t let me. I lost the most compassionate, sweet, kind (she doesn’t really like being called being sweet or kind because she thinks people take advantage of her because it’s a sign of weakness) intelligent, understanding and just a ride or die person I’ve ever met and she was so supportive, always pushing me to be the best person I could be. Now she’s all a distant memory and music is what I have left of her. Today I’m listening to “Begin Again” on repeat just wishing it would begin again.