Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken.

Here’s a interesting YouTube video I was watching and I would like to give my own answer after you watch it.

The simple answer is yes. So around 6 minutes and 25 seconds I was able to relate with that man. I had one suicidal thought and it was the scariest thing ever. It happen February 9th the moment right after I called my ex. Luckily I did believe in God and had a relationship with him because I don’t know if I’d be here right now if didn’t but that’s a story for another day. I’m here to talk about my heart break, She was my high school sweetheart and my first real relationship, I definitely broke her heart way before she broke mine. I think she’s a wonderful young lady with a kind heart and anyone would be lucky to have her. I don’t hold grudges and I’ve tried to hate her but in the end of the day I never can. She was my bestfriend, yesterday I actually saw a photo of her on Facebook with her cap and gown, it was a bittersweet feeling because I thought I would be there for that chapter of her life, I was always trying to be her little cheerleader in the corner. Trying to help her with homework even though I knew nothing about environmental sciences, so trying to teach myself while trying to help someone else was pretty hard lol. You don’t understand how happy I am for her. When I saw that photo I had the biggest smile on my face because it was such a relief like yes she finally did it. I always knew she was able to do it but just seeing that photo was just a breath of fresh air.

Does it affect me today? Yes but not in the way you think. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for her. If you ever met her you’d probably think she was a weirdo if you just didn’t get her. Under that complex way of thinking she has, she makes you want to change for the better because he ideology of just life is just so humane and humble and I wanted to just like her. Whenever she was down or uncertain of how the future may be, you kind of just wanted to be this positive force for her because there is hope. This affects me today because I’m scared that I will never find someone I had that special bond with again, I’m scared that when I do find someone she won’t get all the love she deserves because in the back of my head there’s always going to be the thought of the bond me and ex had, will it ever compare to what I have now? It affects me today because with my relationships with other people (male or female), I often feel distant since I no longer open myself up to people and if I do open up it takes a lot longer than usual, that makes me a bit sad because I use to be this loud person but now I’m just more quiet if anything.

What would I tell her today? Well obviously just that I’m proud of her and I hope she continues to succeed in life. If I still know her like I use to I’d tell her don’t be scared. Just like us, and now college, this part of your life may be over but there’s many other adventures yet still to come.

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It’s too late.

You always wanted to dance in the rain 
And I don't know why I was always so afraid. 
But now that I'm brave
You're gone.
I have no fears
Just tears.
Thinking about what I could have done.
All those little things would have been fun. 
But since I was scared, I ran out of time.
You're no longer mine
With a blurry future, my sight is out of line
I'm here wishing that there was no more sadness
Because in my brain there's only madness 
And these thoughts just keep getting louder 
But you're gone
And I'm gone too 
Now it's just me 
And you're just you.
-Steven Benavides.



How Nostalgic Is Your Music?

Recently Spotify came out with a playlist called your top songs 2018, obviously this is a playlist of the song you listened to the most this year. Music for me was always a powerful tool, because whenever I couldn’t express myself using words there was always a song that could just explain how I was feeling. On top of that music always brings back certain memories for me it’s kind of like how when you smell something familiar like let’s say grandma’s cookies, so you picture yourself as a child at grandma’s house, well that’s what music does for me. This playlist brought back so many memories while I went on my run the other day. I ran to the beach for the first time in a while (because it’s a bit far and I’ve been out of shape to run that far) but man I had the whole beach to myself and I sang my heart out, tears came out as I’m remembering some memories I had with my ex on this beach. All the memories were good memories, but they are memories that I just wish could happen again you know? My ex was the only girl that was able to answer this question, “what’s your favorite song?” whenever I ask any other girl, they hit me with the I listen to everything. My ex answered with “If I Die Young by The Perry Band and Being Again by Taylor Swift” this morning when I woke up at 5am and for some odd reason I really want to listen to “Begin Again” and I don’t really go on my ex’s Instagram but I’m scrolling through and I just say out loud to myself “wow, she’s beautiful.”. I will always think to myself that I let the best thing that has ever happen to me walk away from my life. I broke up with my ex and when I wanted her back she didn’t want me anymore. I wish I was stronger back then to withstand the pain I was going through at the time but my pride didn’t let me. I lost the most compassionate, sweet, kind (she doesn’t really like being called being sweet or kind because she thinks people take advantage of her because it’s a sign of weakness) intelligent, understanding and just a ride or die person I’ve ever met and she was so supportive, always pushing me to be the best person I could be. Now she’s all a distant memory and music is what I have left of her. Today I’m listening to “Begin Again” on repeat just wishing it would begin again.