Promise to myself.

I keep telling myself how I don’t want to repeat my actions and mistakes from my past but I’m so dumb, if I keep acting like this will it last? Maybe it’s because I think my life is boring, I’m always looking for the next big thing. Speaking to women who don’t need to be spoken to, but I keep acting up because I know I can get away with it. Why do I find this fun. Life decisions like I haven’t learnt a thing. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t go down this path again. Feelings like I don’t care maybe because I was hurt and now I feel like I have ruin other people’s happiness because I fucked up my shot. With my tears shed, I feel alone again. So many people around why do I feel alone. I always tell myself I’ll never call you again. The only thing I seem to do right. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you at night. I remember all the fights. Sorry because I’ll probably lie again. Fuck.


Fill Rust.

You make me so numb
I wish I could feel
But my emotions you steal
I guess that’s just how I’m made
My heart with a blockade
I can’t grow in this cage
In rage
How could you walk
Without a talk
You said forever
I didn’t think that meant never
You never gave me enough credit
I mean you said it
I’m not him.
Something about his aurora or his presence
You made me feel like peasant
So unpleasant
I try to act like I’m not hurt or like I’m okay
But no lie
I still cry
Trying to forget what you did
Who am I going to kid
I’m scarred
And all that love you borrowed
I need it back so I don’t spiral
Oh how I was a fool
You used me like tool
Right in front me with all that disrespect
But how was I suppose to suspect
Let alone detect what was under my nose
Stupid of me that no questions arose
I mean what am I suppose to do
You already chose
I hope it was worth it
Because I’ve never felt more broken.
Maybe I should be king of the knots,
Since I always have knots in my stomach.

It’s too late.

You always wanted to dance in the rain 
And I don't know why I was always so afraid. 
But now that I'm brave
You're gone.
I have no fears
Just tears.
Thinking about what I could have done.
All those little things would have been fun. 
But since I was scared, I ran out of time.
You're no longer mine
With a blurry future, my sight is out of line
I'm here wishing that there was no more sadness
Because in my brain there's only madness 
And these thoughts just keep getting louder 
But you're gone
And I'm gone too 
Now it's just me 
And you're just you.
-Steven Benavides.

How Nostalgic Is Your Music?

Recently Spotify came out with a playlist called your top songs 2018, obviously this is a playlist of the song you listened to the most this year. Music for me was always a powerful tool, because whenever I couldn’t express myself using words there was always a song that could just explain how I was feeling. On top of that music always brings back certain memories for me it’s kind of like how when you smell something familiar like let’s say grandma’s cookies, so you picture yourself as a child at grandma’s house, well that’s what music does for me. This playlist brought back so many memories while I went on my run the other day. I ran to the beach for the first time in a while (because it’s a bit far and I’ve been out of shape to run that far) but man I had the whole beach to myself and I sang my heart out, tears came out as I’m remembering some memories I had with my ex on this beach. All the memories were good memories, but they are memories that I just wish could happen again you know? My ex was the only girl that was able to answer this question, “what’s your favorite song?” whenever I ask any other girl, they hit me with the I listen to everything. My ex answered with “If I Die Young by The Perry Band and Being Again by Taylor Swift” this morning when I woke up at 5am and for some odd reason I really want to listen to “Begin Again” and I don’t really go on my ex’s Instagram but I’m scrolling through and I just say out loud to myself “wow, she’s beautiful.”. I will always think to myself that I let the best thing that has ever happen to me walk away from my life. I broke up with my ex and when I wanted her back she didn’t want me anymore. I wish I was stronger back then to withstand the pain I was going through at the time but my pride didn’t let me. I lost the most compassionate, sweet, kind (she doesn’t really like being called being sweet or kind because she thinks people take advantage of her because it’s a sign of weakness) intelligent, understanding and just a ride or die person I’ve ever met and she was so supportive, always pushing me to be the best person I could be. Now she’s all a distant memory and music is what I have left of her. Today I’m listening to “Begin Again” on repeat just wishing it would begin again.


Okay so maybe the title was just a clickbait, but there are healthy ways to cope and little tactics to just be happier alone. You have to remember that you once use to be alone and you once had this whole life without your ex. You might be older and you might enjoy different things now but you’re still YOU! I guess let’s start from the beginning, right? When my ex first broke up with me I was in denial, I thought we had the most perfect relationship in the world but she didn’t think that and she felt very unhappy with me. Her reasons for being unhappy are understandable and I don’t blame her for leaving nor am I mad at her. We don’t talk anymore and its probably for the best but if she ever needs me my door is wide open and I’ll be there to lend her a hand. She was unhappy because I just wasn’t as loving as I use to be during the beginning of our relationship, there were other reasons behind it as well but I think this was one of the main reasons for it plus her passion for life, her desire to just experience the world and I was just weighing her down, not allowing her to do so. I was in shock at the time wondering why she was breaking up with me, it felt like my whole world turned upside down, because she was my everything at the time. I always put her first even though she might have not believed so. After being in denial I was angry and you say a lot of mean things when you’re angry. A lot of things I will always regret saying to her and I wish I could take it back because my intentions were never to hurt her but as men we’re never taught how to express our feelings correctly and this isn’t an excuse or an apology because this gives me no right to lash out on a person who only provided me with joy in my life. After being angry, depression came along and this was the worst part. When I was going through this part of my life I was in college and I just went away from home for the first time, I had a single room with no roommate (big mistake) I was a transfer student with no friends at a big school, man did depression kick my ass. I eventually made three friends who I appreciate very much. Unfortunately, there’s alcohol at colleges and yeah, it’s your decision to drink but for me it was the only way I “handled” my problems and I hated this about me. Using substances to cope with unideal situations is never the answer because you end up throwing your life away, between being depressed and drinking I just didn’t care about school, a lot of people don’t know this but this was the reason why I had to drop out of school, I had lost my financial aid. I was doing bad at school and I was just going through way too much at the time, I couldn’t handle any of it. Okay so hopefully you’re still reading I know this is pretty long but we’re almost done telling my story then we can go on and talk about the ways I cope and became a happier human being just bear with me now. After being depressed, I was able to talk to my friends about what exactly was going on with my life, that helped me out tremendously or maybe it was the fear of getting kicked out of school, I don’t know but I was motivated for school again, unfortunately it was too late. I was already too deep in a hole that I couldn’t get out of. I had to go home which I wasn’t happy about at the time. Now, the good part, ways to cope. First off, I would like to say these things helped me so they might not work for you but if they do, I’m glad that I was able to help someone out. First be honest with yourself, I for example, for the longest time I would tell myself I was okay. I’m over my ex but in reality, I missed her like crazy she was my best friend and I spent every single possible moment I could with her. I told myself one day and I tend to talk to myself a lot (no I’m not crazy) I miss her and its okay to miss someone you spent a lot of your time with, there’s nothing wrong with being sad but you have to pick yourself up. Nobody likes a cry baby or a loser, when moments get tough you have to be your own motivator. Secondly, Running! Running changed my life drastically this year. I’m no marathon runner nor do I think I will ever be one but man I sure do love it. I seem to run the best when I’m having a shitty day for some reason. Running is just an amazing way to go outside and enjoy the fresh air plus also notice the little things we always take for granted in life. Now running isn’t for everyone but I hate excuses, oh I can barely run a mile, oh I’m slow, well who cares! You’re not competing against anyone so why does it matter? I used to avoid running because I always cared about people looking at me while I run but in reality, why does it matter? I don’t know these people so why should I care what they think about me? My next tip and my favorite tip is “look good feel good”. Wear something nice that you feel amazing in, at my job I wear athletic clothing and I don’t get to dress up at all because all I do is work, run and go to the gym, so whenever I have a chance to strut my peacock feathers I will. This allows me to feel confident and just handsome. Another way I cope was by smiling just smile as much as possible even if you’re alone at the moment, this just tricks your brain to being happy (I like to take pictures of myself smiling (I post a lot of them on my VSCO)). Another way and probably the best way to be happier is to go on adventures. An adventure can be from going to the city or maybe even trying out a new taco spot (who doesn’t love tacos) an adventure doesn’t have to be this big crazy elaborate thing it just has to be new and exciting to you. I force myself a lot of the time to get out of my comfort zone and try new things, things where people/I would never believe I would do in a life time. How will you experience life if you’re stuck doing the same thing every day? So be spontaneous (for example I booked a flight to Germany). Can’t afford to travel? Well travel locally go to that farm you’ve always wanted to check out. You don’t need to travel around the world to be happy just remember to love yourself and to put yourself first. Now, is this the recipe for a broken heart? Of course not. Everyone is different, but happiness will replace that void in your heart that you’re feeling. So go out and smile!