Someone Help me.

Today was a crazy day for me. I had to call out of work today because I experienced my first panic attack this morning, I was so scared at first because I thought I was dying, I just couldn’t breathe. I’ve been sad the whole day now. Last night I went out to drink with my friend because it was his 23rd birthday and I don’t drink but I know my friend doesn’t drink unless I drink. I drank more than I should have because I wanted him to have a good time. Before I go on to explain the rest of the story, I have to mention my ex texted me the other day, long story short what she said to me hurt me, she didn’t like the fact that I was writing about her and I understand that, but I never mentioned her name or what she did to me because that’s not my story to tell and I basically told her that. Back to the story, when I got home last night, I texted her, after I texted her, I called her. She wasn’t supposed to pick up at 3:30 in the morning I wanted to leave a voicemail, that wasn’t part of my drunk game plan. I’m in shock that she picked up. We didn’t say anything crazy to each other. I just wish I was sober when I called, I would have said other things like gave her some brotherly advice. I told her I still love her like I always do, I called her beautiful like I always do, told her that she hurt me when she texted me the other day because she told me to get over her and I promise you that I’ve been trying, that’s why I write so much because it makes me feel better. I felt like I was doing good too until she texted me. Just I hate people telling me how to feel because I have a huge heart and I’m just a sensitive guy. It was her turn to talk she told me she was over me and that doesn’t make me upset, I’m happy for her because in the end of the day if she’s happy then I’m happy too but, I have mild depression that no one knows about. I don’t talk about it because I’m always that guy who’s smiling 24/7 and it always passes. Some days I just really want to die. I majored in Psychology because my brother has bad depression and my mom just doesn’t understand it so, I wanted to always be there for him and just anybody who needs me. Days like this I wish there was somebody for me to talk to I think that’s why I called my ex, she always made me feel safe and she was just the person I confided in the most. I didn’t tell her how I feel like dying sometimes because I don’t want her to worry or think it’s about her because it’s not it’s just life sometimes. Some days I feel helpless, I always feel guilty like I’m doing the wrong thing. It’s hard for me to be motivated. When I’m with friends I feel awkward sometimes I think it’s because my lack of interest of being social because somedays I just want to be left alone. When I hung up the call, “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes just kept playing in my head, parts of the song just kept repeating in my head like “Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly” and also this part right here “Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?” the first part I mentioned was literally me last night I was on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for myself like I always do, I always felt insecure, that’s another thing people don’t know about me that’s why I do stupid shit that I do. My ex was the something to ease my mind. Like I said I don’t drink because like Shawn says does it ever get better? I hooked up with someone I didn’t feel better, but I keep telling myself it’s going to get better, because in the arms of a stranger I tried to look for love, but it just didn’t feel the same it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like home. So back to my panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, and I was scared at first but then I felt relax because I thought I was finally dying, I would never kill myself by the way I’m too scared to do it but I’m also not afraid of death. So, now that brings me here before the panic attack, I was feeling sad I just wanted to be held. I wanted my mom (my mom is traveling outside of the country) even though I know she wasn’t going to hold me because she never was affectionate to me and my siblings growing up, but I just wanted to be curled up in a ball I wanted someone to just hold me, just something. I feel like an idiot needing somebody to help me because I feel like it’s something I just have to go through. I stopped running because I was smoking weed every day in January because weed just always makes me feel better, but I stopped smoking weed because I want a new job and they drug test but with no weed or running I find myself more depressed than usual. I want to do 3 things, 1) stop drinking permanently. 2) Start running again. 3) learn how to play guitar especially “In My Blood” because this song is helping me right now. Sorry for writing so much guys just a lot happened to me and I’m tired of bottling it in. I’m tired of being everyone’s superhero. I’m sure Batman has days where he wants to be saved for a change.

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HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX…

Okay so maybe the title was just a clickbait, but there are healthy ways to cope and little tactics to just be happier alone. You have to remember that you once use to be alone and you once had this whole life without your ex. You might be older and you might enjoy different things now but you’re still YOU! I guess let’s start from the beginning, right? When my ex first broke up with me I was in denial, I thought we had the most perfect relationship in the world but she didn’t think that and she felt very unhappy with me. Her reasons for being unhappy are understandable and I don’t blame her for leaving nor am I mad at her. We don’t talk anymore and its probably for the best but if she ever needs me my door is wide open and I’ll be there to lend her a hand. She was unhappy because I just wasn’t as loving as I use to be during the beginning of our relationship, there were other reasons behind it as well but I think this was one of the main reasons for it plus her passion for life, her desire to just experience the world and I was just weighing her down, not allowing her to do so. I was in shock at the time wondering why she was breaking up with me, it felt like my whole world turned upside down, because she was my everything at the time. I always put her first even though she might have not believed so. After being in denial I was angry and you say a lot of mean things when you’re angry. A lot of things I will always regret saying to her and I wish I could take it back because my intentions were never to hurt her but as men we’re never taught how to express our feelings correctly and this isn’t an excuse or an apology because this gives me no right to lash out on a person who only provided me with joy in my life. After being angry, depression came along and this was the worst part. When I was going through this part of my life I was in college and I just went away from home for the first time, I had a single room with no roommate (big mistake) I was a transfer student with no friends at a big school, man did depression kick my ass. I eventually made three friends who I appreciate very much. Unfortunately, there’s alcohol at colleges and yeah, it’s your decision to drink but for me it was the only way I “handled” my problems and I hated this about me. Using substances to cope with unideal situations is never the answer because you end up throwing your life away, between being depressed and drinking I just didn’t care about school, a lot of people don’t know this but this was the reason why I had to drop out of school, I had lost my financial aid. I was doing bad at school and I was just going through way too much at the time, I couldn’t handle any of it. Okay so hopefully you’re still reading I know this is pretty long but we’re almost done telling my story then we can go on and talk about the ways I cope and became a happier human being just bear with me now. After being depressed, I was able to talk to my friends about what exactly was going on with my life, that helped me out tremendously or maybe it was the fear of getting kicked out of school, I don’t know but I was motivated for school again, unfortunately it was too late. I was already too deep in a hole that I couldn’t get out of. I had to go home which I wasn’t happy about at the time. Now, the good part, ways to cope. First off, I would like to say these things helped me so they might not work for you but if they do, I’m glad that I was able to help someone out. First be honest with yourself, I for example, for the longest time I would tell myself I was okay. I’m over my ex but in reality, I missed her like crazy she was my best friend and I spent every single possible moment I could with her. I told myself one day and I tend to talk to myself a lot (no I’m not crazy) I miss her and its okay to miss someone you spent a lot of your time with, there’s nothing wrong with being sad but you have to pick yourself up. Nobody likes a cry baby or a loser, when moments get tough you have to be your own motivator. Secondly, Running! Running changed my life drastically this year. I’m no marathon runner nor do I think I will ever be one but man I sure do love it. I seem to run the best when I’m having a shitty day for some reason. Running is just an amazing way to go outside and enjoy the fresh air plus also notice the little things we always take for granted in life. Now running isn’t for everyone but I hate excuses, oh I can barely run a mile, oh I’m slow, well who cares! You’re not competing against anyone so why does it matter? I used to avoid running because I always cared about people looking at me while I run but in reality, why does it matter? I don’t know these people so why should I care what they think about me? My next tip and my favorite tip is “look good feel good”. Wear something nice that you feel amazing in, at my job I wear athletic clothing and I don’t get to dress up at all because all I do is work, run and go to the gym, so whenever I have a chance to strut my peacock feathers I will. This allows me to feel confident and just handsome. Another way I cope was by smiling just smile as much as possible even if you’re alone at the moment, this just tricks your brain to being happy (I like to take pictures of myself smiling (I post a lot of them on my VSCO)). Another way and probably the best way to be happier is to go on adventures. An adventure can be from going to the city or maybe even trying out a new taco spot (who doesn’t love tacos) an adventure doesn’t have to be this big crazy elaborate thing it just has to be new and exciting to you. I force myself a lot of the time to get out of my comfort zone and try new things, things where people/I would never believe I would do in a life time. How will you experience life if you’re stuck doing the same thing every day? So be spontaneous (for example I booked a flight to Germany). Can’t afford to travel? Well travel locally go to that farm you’ve always wanted to check out. You don’t need to travel around the world to be happy just remember to love yourself and to put yourself first. Now, is this the recipe for a broken heart? Of course not. Everyone is different, but happiness will replace that void in your heart that you’re feeling. So go out and smile!