We all want love. It’s just something we crave but the more I notice, I feel like people don’t let their hearts heal before moving on. Let me explain. I think we have this huge fear of being alone or that things won’t get better from our past, or we honestly just want to move on, so someone new is that quick fix that we’re looking for. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you hold on for that pain for a bit. Let your heart heal before you meet someone new. I don’t think it’s fair to be with someone, if I’m in love with someone else and I’m speaking from experience, so story time. I went out with this girl from bumble (a dating app) and for some reason she like fell in love with me after the first date, which blew my mind because like she barely knew me, and I didn’t say she was going to be my girlfriend. Well after the first date I notice that she deleted her bumble which for me was extremely odd because like I said we weren’t together and from my understanding and from what I told her I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship. The reason why I told her I didn’t want a relationship was because I knew I was still in love with my ex at the time and I knew that this was the first date I went on after my break up which I kept telling myself I can’t settle for the first person I meet, why’d I tell myself that you ask? Well I think I would have attached myself to this person for the wrong reasons, my fear of being alone and just for that person to make me feel better. I shouldn’t have to depend on someone else for my happiness. I tell myself all the time I have to learn to be happy on myself and just love myself the best I can, you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself and for me that was an important concept. I have a tendency for just settling for the first thing that comes into my life, and that’s not okay. Be patient, I promise you that you don’t need anyone right now. Good things come to those who wait. Just let things fall into place, the right person will come into your life when you’re not even looking. Enjoy being single, trust me it’s not for forever even if it seems that way. Love you guys.
After my mental breakdown, I decided to deactivate all my social media except snapchat because I don’t know my password to that. I’ve been on Pinterest a lot lately just researching what I can do to get out of my funk. Things I’ve done so far, I made a meal last night that made feel slightly better. I also played guitar with my friend, which is always satisfying for me, right before bed I read a bit of my book, I did forget to pray last night but it’s something I want to get in the habit of. It’s weird not having social media because I keep checking phone, but it’s just something I have to go through it’s not permanent just I needed a break, I felt like the world was just moving so fast and I wasn’t moving fast enough. This wasn’t a problem for me until about 2 weeks ago after my ex texted me but sine then I would just keep checking my ex’s social media over and over and over again, and just seeing her face, I don’t know, I still think she’s absolutely beautiful she’s always going to be my favorite face that I love to look at but I also don’t want to think about her 24/7. The other day I should have never called her because I love talking to her and for me it’s like a drug. I just have a little bit and I’m hooked and I NEED more but unless she feels the same about me then I’m not suppose to have her. She may never feel the way I feel about her and that’s okay that just means I have to stay away. I hope that in a week from my detox I can just feel better and live my life back to normal like before she messaged me. To everyone who does read this, I’m sorry if I’m not as happy or just in a cheery mood like I normally am, I just need time to get better. Mental health is important as physical health so remember to take care of yourself and take that break if you need it.
Today was a crazy day for me. I had to call out of work today because I experienced my first panic attack this morning, I was so scared at first because I thought I was dying, I just couldn’t breathe. I’ve been sad the whole day now. Last night I went out to drink with my friend because it was his 23rd birthday and I don’t drink but I know my friend doesn’t drink unless I drink. I drank more than I should have because I wanted him to have a good time. Before I go on to explain the rest of the story, I have to mention my ex texted me the other day, long story short what she said to me hurt me, she didn’t like the fact that I was writing about her and I understand that, but I never mentioned her name or what she did to me because that’s not my story to tell and I basically told her that. Back to the story, when I got home last night, I texted her, after I texted her, I called her. She wasn’t supposed to pick up at 3:30 in the morning I wanted to leave a voicemail, that wasn’t part of my drunk game plan. I’m in shock that she picked up. We didn’t say anything crazy to each other. I just wish I was sober when I called, I would have said other things like gave her some brotherly advice. I told her I still love her like I always do, I called her beautiful like I always do, told her that she hurt me when she texted me the other day because she told me to get over her and I promise you that I’ve been trying, that’s why I write so much because it makes me feel better. I felt like I was doing good too until she texted me. Just I hate people telling me how to feel because I have a huge heart and I’m just a sensitive guy. It was her turn to talk she told me she was over me and that doesn’t make me upset, I’m happy for her because in the end of the day if she’s happy then I’m happy too but, I have mild depression that no one knows about. I don’t talk about it because I’m always that guy who’s smiling 24/7 and it always passes. Some days I just really want to die. I majored in Psychology because my brother has bad depression and my mom just doesn’t understand it so, I wanted to always be there for him and just anybody who needs me. Days like this I wish there was somebody for me to talk to I think that’s why I called my ex, she always made me feel safe and she was just the person I confided in the most. I didn’t tell her how I feel like dying sometimes because I don’t want her to worry or think it’s about her because it’s not it’s just life sometimes. Some days I feel helpless, I always feel guilty like I’m doing the wrong thing. It’s hard for me to be motivated. When I’m with friends I feel awkward sometimes I think it’s because my lack of interest of being social because somedays I just want to be left alone. When I hung up the call, “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes just kept playing in my head, parts of the song just kept repeating in my head like “Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly” and also this part right here “Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?” the first part I mentioned was literally me last night I was on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for myself like I always do, I always felt insecure, that’s another thing people don’t know about me that’s why I do stupid shit that I do. My ex was the something to ease my mind. Like I said I don’t drink because like Shawn says does it ever get better? I hooked up with someone I didn’t feel better, but I keep telling myself it’s going to get better, because in the arms of a stranger I tried to look for love, but it just didn’t feel the same it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like home. So back to my panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, and I was scared at first but then I felt relax because I thought I was finally dying, I would never kill myself by the way I’m too scared to do it but I’m also not afraid of death. So, now that brings me here before the panic attack, I was feeling sad I just wanted to be held. I wanted my mom (my mom is traveling outside of the country) even though I know she wasn’t going to hold me because she never was affectionate to me and my siblings growing up, but I just wanted to be curled up in a ball I wanted someone to just hold me, just something. I feel like an idiot needing somebody to help me because I feel like it’s something I just have to go through. I stopped running because I was smoking weed every day in January because weed just always makes me feel better, but I stopped smoking weed because I want a new job and they drug test but with no weed or running I find myself more depressed than usual. I want to do 3 things, 1) stop drinking permanently. 2) Start running again. 3) learn how to play guitar especially “In My Blood” because this song is helping me right now. Sorry for writing so much guys just a lot happened to me and I’m tired of bottling it in. I’m tired of being everyone’s superhero. I’m sure Batman has days where he wants to be saved for a change.
I loved you so I set you free But trust me you were my everything I didn't want to give up but trust me I did it for you I wanted whatever was best for you but trust me it just wasn't me I wanted you to be happy but trust me you know I made you mad I promised you many things But I broke those promises I told you everything would be okay But trust me I know this is true.
I just want to start off by saying I love my co-workers, they are the reason why I love my job and haven’t quit yet, especially my friend Austin he has been my homie since I started working at my job and just someone I look up to especially since he’s a runner and I wish I could run as much as he does. One day we were talking about our love lives during work and Austin knows I’m not completely over my ex and he always asks me hey when are you going to message your ex. I always tell him eventually knowing I’m not going to do it, but one day Austin asks all my coworkers hey do you think Steven should message his ex and everyone says yeah why not and another coworker said “wait do you want to hook up with her” and I was like “no not at all, like I actually miss her, that’s the love of my life” and he said oh yeah you should do it then. Austin asked “Steven what do you have to lose?” I said “my dignity” I meant it jokingly but I didn’t want to say this in front of all my coworkers but I don’t know if she thinks about me like I do, we don’t talk at all like we use to when we first broke up, and most importantly what if she’s happier without me, her happiness means the world to me and I don’t want to be that guy that keeps running back into her life and just making her life worse if she’s already happy (I’m afraid of being a nuisance for her). Austin brought up a good point though he said “you’ll never know unless you talk to her” and he’s completely right its like Michael Scott/Wayne Gretzky quote “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” and I get that but I’m in a better place than I was when I first broke up with my ex and if I did message her and I got a no or just no response I think it would break my heart again. I don’t know if my heart can handle that again, getting reject by the person you love the most it scares me. So I can lose her forever or I can suck it up and not wonder what could have been if I actually messaged her. I just don’t know, but something tells me (my gut) I should just let her go and let her enjoy life, because if she wanted me back she would come to me, she knows my door is always open (would she come back though? or would pride affect her to though?), I just don’t know.