Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken.

Here’s a interesting YouTube video I was watching and I would like to give my own answer after you watch it.

The simple answer is yes. So around 6 minutes and 25 seconds I was able to relate with that man. I had one suicidal thought and it was the scariest thing ever. It happen February 9th the moment right after I called my ex. Luckily I did believe in God and had a relationship with him because I don’t know if I’d be here right now if didn’t but that’s a story for another day. I’m here to talk about my heart break, She was my high school sweetheart and my first real relationship, I definitely broke her heart way before she broke mine. I think she’s a wonderful young lady with a kind heart and anyone would be lucky to have her. I don’t hold grudges and I’ve tried to hate her but in the end of the day I never can. She was my bestfriend, yesterday I actually saw a photo of her on Facebook with her cap and gown, it was a bittersweet feeling because I thought I would be there for that chapter of her life, I was always trying to be her little cheerleader in the corner. Trying to help her with homework even though I knew nothing about environmental sciences, so trying to teach myself while trying to help someone else was pretty hard lol. You don’t understand how happy I am for her. When I saw that photo I had the biggest smile on my face because it was such a relief like yes she finally did it. I always knew she was able to do it but just seeing that photo was just a breath of fresh air.

Does it affect me today? Yes but not in the way you think. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for her. If you ever met her you’d probably think she was a weirdo if you just didn’t get her. Under that complex way of thinking she has, she makes you want to change for the better because he ideology of just life is just so humane and humble and I wanted to just like her. Whenever she was down or uncertain of how the future may be, you kind of just wanted to be this positive force for her because there is hope. This affects me today because I’m scared that I will never find someone I had that special bond with again, I’m scared that when I do find someone she won’t get all the love she deserves because in the back of my head there’s always going to be the thought of the bond me and ex had, will it ever compare to what I have now? It affects me today because with my relationships with other people (male or female), I often feel distant since I no longer open myself up to people and if I do open up it takes a lot longer than usual, that makes me a bit sad because I use to be this loud person but now I’m just more quiet if anything.

What would I tell her today? Well obviously just that I’m proud of her and I hope she continues to succeed in life. If I still know her like I use to I’d tell her don’t be scared. Just like us, and now college, this part of your life may be over but there’s many other adventures yet still to come.

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Bailey Bean’s Goodbye

This is the last time I write about you. This will be the first time I mention your name. Bailey, thank you for being my inspiration in my past posts. I took the pain from our relationship and wrote about it, I tried to turn it into something beautiful like you. I know you hated that because you didn’t like people knowing your business. I apologize for that. I no longer feel pain, I no longer feel sad, most importantly I no longer feel sorry for myself. I owe you multiple apologizes, I know you said you forgave me, but I know there will always be that part of yourself that doesn’t forgive me completely and that’s okay I understand that.

First thing I would like to apologize for is, putting you through hell and you having to put up with my bullshit. I apologize for being young and dumb, thinking I was untouchable. I thought rules didn’t apply to me, I believed you were a push over and knew I’d be able to get away with a lot of crap. I did get away with a lot too but in the end of the day there’s just so much crap one person can put up with, you know?

Second thing I would love to apologize for is, like in Ephesians 4:2 states “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” I was none of that towards you. I took out my frustration multiple times out on you. I said so many mean things to you on purpose just so I would get a reaction from you. I so sorry for the dumb shit I said. I wish I could take them back because I know those words are the things that linger in the long run. I wish I was more patient and gentler towards you. I wish I matured more to handle the beautiful thing I had right in front of me.

Lastly, I apologize for not being faithful. You didn’t deserve that from me. From anyone as matter of fact. I just want to state that during it at the time, and I know this is hard to believe but during me being unfaithful, I loved you. People think that people cheat because they fell out of love, for me that wasn’t the case. Temptations got the best of me. I don’t think I was ready for a relationship. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to live my life to fullest, but I also didn’t want to lose you because I did want to marry you someday.

Why am I writing this you ask? Well like I said I will no longer write about her, so for the people who enjoy my poems, I won’t be writing as many, my blog will transition to me telling stories about my life, and it’s not her fault, I swear. It’s because I no longer feel the pain I felt. If you did like and enjoy my poems then you should thank her. She has been my inspiration behind it all.

One last thing, tips or just advice for my ex, you may not need it, but I would like to share my wisdom with you. You don’t have to please everyone in the world, be selfish put yourself first. Your happiness comes first. I’m glad I met you, you’re my hardest lesson ever learned and the person I have loved the most so far in my life. Like everyone who wins the lottery, they lose it all. That’s what happen to me when it came to you. I was the luckiest man because I had you. People must know that women like you just don’t come along that often. Loving, caring, silly, creative, supportive, loyal, and there’s just so much more I can say but I don’t want to drag this post but whoever ends up with her, will be the luckiest person in the world. I will continue to live my best life and will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers every night. I know you’re meant to do great things. Some days you may feel lost or not know what to do. Just do whatever makes you happiest who cares about what everyone else thinks or how long it may take because you can do anything if you set your mind to it. If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to ask, you’ll always have a friend in me.

                                Maybe our souls will cross paths again in another life.

                                                                Your Friend, Steven

Fear of Being Alone

We all want love. It’s just something we crave but the more I notice, I feel like people don’t let their hearts heal before moving on. Let me explain. I think we have this huge fear of being alone or that things won’t get better from our past, or we honestly just want to move on, so someone new is that quick fix that we’re looking for. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you hold on for that pain for a bit. Let your heart heal before you meet someone new. I don’t think it’s fair to be with someone, if I’m in love with someone else and I’m speaking from experience, so story time. I went out with this girl from bumble (a dating app) and for some reason she like fell in love with me after the first date, which blew my mind because like she barely knew me, and I didn’t say she was going to be my girlfriend. Well after the first date I notice that she deleted her bumble which for me was extremely odd because like I said we weren’t together and from my understanding and from what I told her I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship. The reason why I told her I didn’t want a relationship was because I knew I was still in love with my ex at the time and I knew that this was the first date I went on after my break up which I kept telling myself I can’t settle for the first person I meet, why’d I tell myself that you ask? Well I think I would have attached myself to this person for the wrong reasons, my fear of being alone and just for that person to make me feel better. I shouldn’t have to depend on someone else for my happiness. I tell myself all the time I have to learn to be happy on myself and just love myself the best I can, you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself and for me that was an important concept. I have a tendency for just settling for the first thing that comes into my life, and that’s not okay. Be patient, I promise you that you don’t need anyone right now. Good things come to those who wait. Just let things fall into place, the right person will come into your life when you’re not even looking. Enjoy being single, trust me it’s not for forever even if it seems that way. Love you guys.

Social Detox

After my mental breakdown, I decided to deactivate all my social media except snapchat because I don’t know my password to that. I’ve been on Pinterest a lot lately just researching what I can do to get out of my funk. Things I’ve done so far, I made a meal last night that made feel slightly better. I also played guitar with my friend, which is always satisfying for me, right before bed I read a bit of my book, I did forget to pray last night but it’s something I want to get in the habit of. It’s weird not having social media because I keep checking phone, but it’s just something I have to go through it’s not permanent just I needed a break, I felt like the world was just moving so fast and I wasn’t moving fast enough. This wasn’t a problem for me until about 2 weeks ago after my ex texted me but sine then I would just keep checking my ex’s social media over and over and over again, and just seeing her face, I don’t know, I still think she’s absolutely beautiful she’s always going to be my favorite face that I love to look at but I also don’t want to think about her 24/7. The other day I should have never called her because I love talking to her and for me it’s like a drug. I just have a little bit and I’m hooked and I NEED more but unless she feels the same about me then I’m not suppose to have her. She may never feel the way I feel about her and that’s okay that just means I have to stay away. I hope that in a week from my detox I can just feel better and live my life back to normal like before she messaged me. To everyone who does read this, I’m sorry if I’m not as happy or just in a cheery mood like I normally am, I just need time to get better. Mental health is important as physical health so remember to take care of yourself and take that break if you need it.

Someone Help me.

Today was a crazy day for me. I had to call out of work today because I experienced my first panic attack this morning, I was so scared at first because I thought I was dying, I just couldn’t breathe. I’ve been sad the whole day now. Last night I went out to drink with my friend because it was his 23rd birthday and I don’t drink but I know my friend doesn’t drink unless I drink. I drank more than I should have because I wanted him to have a good time. Before I go on to explain the rest of the story, I have to mention my ex texted me the other day, long story short what she said to me hurt me, she didn’t like the fact that I was writing about her and I understand that, but I never mentioned her name or what she did to me because that’s not my story to tell and I basically told her that. Back to the story, when I got home last night, I texted her, after I texted her, I called her. She wasn’t supposed to pick up at 3:30 in the morning I wanted to leave a voicemail, that wasn’t part of my drunk game plan. I’m in shock that she picked up. We didn’t say anything crazy to each other. I just wish I was sober when I called, I would have said other things like gave her some brotherly advice. I told her I still love her like I always do, I called her beautiful like I always do, told her that she hurt me when she texted me the other day because she told me to get over her and I promise you that I’ve been trying, that’s why I write so much because it makes me feel better. I felt like I was doing good too until she texted me. Just I hate people telling me how to feel because I have a huge heart and I’m just a sensitive guy. It was her turn to talk she told me she was over me and that doesn’t make me upset, I’m happy for her because in the end of the day if she’s happy then I’m happy too but, I have mild depression that no one knows about. I don’t talk about it because I’m always that guy who’s smiling 24/7 and it always passes. Some days I just really want to die. I majored in Psychology because my brother has bad depression and my mom just doesn’t understand it so, I wanted to always be there for him and just anybody who needs me. Days like this I wish there was somebody for me to talk to I think that’s why I called my ex, she always made me feel safe and she was just the person I confided in the most. I didn’t tell her how I feel like dying sometimes because I don’t want her to worry or think it’s about her because it’s not it’s just life sometimes. Some days I feel helpless, I always feel guilty like I’m doing the wrong thing. It’s hard for me to be motivated. When I’m with friends I feel awkward sometimes I think it’s because my lack of interest of being social because somedays I just want to be left alone. When I hung up the call, “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes just kept playing in my head, parts of the song just kept repeating in my head like “Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly” and also this part right here “Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?” the first part I mentioned was literally me last night I was on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for myself like I always do, I always felt insecure, that’s another thing people don’t know about me that’s why I do stupid shit that I do. My ex was the something to ease my mind. Like I said I don’t drink because like Shawn says does it ever get better? I hooked up with someone I didn’t feel better, but I keep telling myself it’s going to get better, because in the arms of a stranger I tried to look for love, but it just didn’t feel the same it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like home. So back to my panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, and I was scared at first but then I felt relax because I thought I was finally dying, I would never kill myself by the way I’m too scared to do it but I’m also not afraid of death. So, now that brings me here before the panic attack, I was feeling sad I just wanted to be held. I wanted my mom (my mom is traveling outside of the country) even though I know she wasn’t going to hold me because she never was affectionate to me and my siblings growing up, but I just wanted to be curled up in a ball I wanted someone to just hold me, just something. I feel like an idiot needing somebody to help me because I feel like it’s something I just have to go through. I stopped running because I was smoking weed every day in January because weed just always makes me feel better, but I stopped smoking weed because I want a new job and they drug test but with no weed or running I find myself more depressed than usual. I want to do 3 things, 1) stop drinking permanently. 2) Start running again. 3) learn how to play guitar especially “In My Blood” because this song is helping me right now. Sorry for writing so much guys just a lot happened to me and I’m tired of bottling it in. I’m tired of being everyone’s superhero. I’m sure Batman has days where he wants to be saved for a change.

You Were my Everything.

I loved you so I set you free
But trust me you were my everything 
I didn't want to give up 
but trust me I did it for you 
I wanted whatever was best for you 
but trust me it just wasn't me 
I wanted you to be happy 
but trust me you know I made you mad 
I promised you many things 
But I broke those promises 
I told you everything would be okay 
But trust me I know this is true.

The box

This is where your love lies

This is the place where you still haven’t said good bye

This is the place where I still see your face

This is the place where we’re still meant to be

This is the place my heart needs

Your words heal

Every love letter, every card which I still keep

Because one day I promise you, I’ll try to sweep you off your feet

This box is where we’ll meet.