Have You Ever Had Your Heart Broken.

Here’s a interesting YouTube video I was watching and I would like to give my own answer after you watch it.

The simple answer is yes. So around 6 minutes and 25 seconds I was able to relate with that man. I had one suicidal thought and it was the scariest thing ever. It happen February 9th the moment right after I called my ex. Luckily I did believe in God and had a relationship with him because I don’t know if I’d be here right now if didn’t but that’s a story for another day. I’m here to talk about my heart break, She was my high school sweetheart and my first real relationship, I definitely broke her heart way before she broke mine. I think she’s a wonderful young lady with a kind heart and anyone would be lucky to have her. I don’t hold grudges and I’ve tried to hate her but in the end of the day I never can. She was my bestfriend, yesterday I actually saw a photo of her on Facebook with her cap and gown, it was a bittersweet feeling because I thought I would be there for that chapter of her life, I was always trying to be her little cheerleader in the corner. Trying to help her with homework even though I knew nothing about environmental sciences, so trying to teach myself while trying to help someone else was pretty hard lol. You don’t understand how happy I am for her. When I saw that photo I had the biggest smile on my face because it was such a relief like yes she finally did it. I always knew she was able to do it but just seeing that photo was just a breath of fresh air.

Does it affect me today? Yes but not in the way you think. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for her. If you ever met her you’d probably think she was a weirdo if you just didn’t get her. Under that complex way of thinking she has, she makes you want to change for the better because he ideology of just life is just so humane and humble and I wanted to just like her. Whenever she was down or uncertain of how the future may be, you kind of just wanted to be this positive force for her because there is hope. This affects me today because I’m scared that I will never find someone I had that special bond with again, I’m scared that when I do find someone she won’t get all the love she deserves because in the back of my head there’s always going to be the thought of the bond me and ex had, will it ever compare to what I have now? It affects me today because with my relationships with other people (male or female), I often feel distant since I no longer open myself up to people and if I do open up it takes a lot longer than usual, that makes me a bit sad because I use to be this loud person but now I’m just more quiet if anything.

What would I tell her today? Well obviously just that I’m proud of her and I hope she continues to succeed in life. If I still know her like I use to I’d tell her don’t be scared. Just like us, and now college, this part of your life may be over but there’s many other adventures yet still to come.

Advertisements

No Running =(

So I haven’t ran in over a week and I’m getting antsy because of it. I haven’t ran because of my knee. This a pain I’ve never felt before, like it’s been over a week and my knee still hurts. It’s at random times as well. Whether it’s when I stand in spot for too long or sit in a chair funny. Me not running is not what’s making me antsy though it just helps me be less antsy, it’s because my friend Laura. Laura called me yesterday asking me to me to go up to Albany to see her graduate and go to the bar for one last night out in Albany next weekend. I went to school at Albany for only a semester and it’s because my life was being turned upside down during my time there and it’s no one’s fault but my own, I justified drinking as the solution to all my problems. Either way I made two awesome friends Laura and Alex. So obviously I want to be there for her. I dropped out of Albany in January of 2018 and I’ve only visited once since Halloween weekend. After throwing up and my head using the toilet as a pillow, I decided to just chill out, this lifestyle isn’t for me anymore and I did for the most part. Every time I go to Albany I just want to go home. It’s like this place changes my character. I have crazy fun for the night but when I wake up the next day and it’s daytime no one was there and when they were it didn’t feel like it.

I Also have to tell my mom I’m going and I want to take my car but my mom freaks out because my car is on the older side. Long Island to Albany is about a 3 hour drive and I have to drive through New York City which isn’t a problem for me I’ve done it multiple times. My mom on the other hand freaks out for the slightest of things so I don’t know how I’m going to bring this up to her.

Back to running, today when I went to work, I noticed my job’s parking lot was the finish line to a marathon. This made me upset because I knew I couldn’t run even though I wanted to. I’m afraid something will happen to my knee mid run and I can’t run forever plus I don’t have insurance so I don’t want it to be something major. I think I’m going to try to run tomorrow and hope my knee doesn’t collapse on me.

Well have a good night guys, wish me luck that my knee doesn’t give up on me. Also let me know what you guys do to calm your nerves?