What’s to come…

So with work and just life going on, I’ve just been very busy lately and I know that isn’t an excuse and I’m probably just going to get busier with summer coming but like in my last post I do want to write more.

So what is to come in the future? Well yesterday I just bought my first DSLR camera which I’ve been wanting to buy since last year. I just need to make one more big purchase and I’m set to start my summer project. My summer project I’ve been planning it out here and there but I’m getting closer to start it. So I use to make YouTube videos and let me tell you they were terrible so I deleted all of them except for one because I knew I was going to do YouTube again and I didn’t want to start over with making a channel. Why’d I quit in the first place? Good question at that point of my life I was just giving up on everything, I was frustrated and my computer wasn’t strong enough to handle video editing so it took way too long to edit a video plus while watching the video during editing it would always lag while I edit so I couldn’t see what exactly I was editing or I’d have to watch it over and over again until I got it right, the videos weren’t coming out how I wanted them to be but now that I have this great big idea I think I’m ready to try again. Since my knowledge about film making, computers and cameras grew.

What’s my big idea? Another good question well when I first did YouTube it was strictly Vlogs and I felt like I had to force my life to be exciting and it didn’t seem genuine. I always wanted to make films. Films, photos, and writing are where I get to show off my creativity. So as some of my first couple of followers know, I was majoring in psychology at University at Albany, why is that important to know well my videos aren’t going to be about psychology necessarily but I’m starting off with my friends (my friends don’t know yet I’ve been keeping quiet about it) then working up my courage to ask strangers but I’m going to ask them deep questions and they can answer it however they want to answer it jokingly or seriously whatever but I want it to be like a therapy session where they can vent their feelings or problems, where I can be someone people talk to and I know not many people are open to sharing their feelings especially on the internet but we’ll see how it goes. This is a learning experience and we’ll see how it goes. Every time I have a new idea as in a new question to ask people I write it down in my book that no one knows I own (top secret 🤫). So for example my first question I wrote down was “why aren’t you where you want to be in life” these types of questions aren’t to make people feel bad, they’re so people understand we’re more similar to each other than you think. Everyone goes through shit and experiences are different for everyone, so it’s okay if you’re not at the point in life where you want to be. It’s okay to feel hurt sometimes.

Well more to come soon I’ll keep you guys update when I start my project it’s most likely beginning in the end of summer but I’ll keep you posted and to all my followers thank you for your patiences and support. I hope all this will be worth the wait, in the meantime here’s my first crappy blog if anyone wants to check it out https://youtu.be/1qL_IIZJBVk

Peace ✌🏽

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What I want.

I hope there’s not too many errors in this post I didn’t have much time to write this today before I went to work

So there’s this girl I barely talk to, but every time I do somehow she ends up saying “aww you’ll find someone someday” and I don’t know why she said that. I rather be alone, like I’m seriously fine with being alone. It sounds weird I know but I just don’t click well with people that well anymore and it seems like the older I get, I start speaking less and less to people like wanting to connect with new people, I judge a lot not in like oh that person is stupid way but more in I compare people to me way so if you’re not like me, we’ll probably won’t be friends. It’s just weird how she assumes that I’m looking for someone. Personally a relationship is just not what I want anymore. I’m 22 going on to 23 and while it’s May and I see people graduating from school, getting married or having kids. I’m not jealous about any of that. I’m happy for everyone else who is graduating, getting married or having kids because obviously that’s their dream but unfortunately that’s not mine. People think that just because you do any of things that I mentioned, that you’re happy or successful but I’m not any of those and I’ve never been happier. The other day I was going through my photos and after scrolling for a while, I said to myself, I have a fucking amazing life like I’m so lucky, I’ve travel so much since I left high school, like I know other people travel and others probably travel more than I do but I don’t know all the journeys I got to experience with all these different people. I think that’s what life is about. It’s not about fulfilling other people’s expectations. It’s about literally doing what the fuck you want.

Two weekends ago I was high at the bar and I said to myself “wow we really are the stars of our own movies” like you are in control of your life, so if you’re not happy with a situation, do something about it. In the end of the day you are in control of your happiness.

So to the girl who keeps telling me “aww you’ll find someone one day” I say no thank you. I’m not looking for a perfect someone. I’m looking for me. That’s why my blog is called discovering me. I don’t know how old all my followers are but if you’re on social media and you see someone with the “perfect life” don’t be jealous, 1. Be happy for them and 2. Their life probably isn’t perfect, so don’t worry if yours isn’t. Just focus on yourself. An example of this is my best friend Brian, I really hope his baby mama doesn’t read my blogs. He graduated from university, has a kid with his high school sweetheart, a beautiful home, a nice car, and he is one of the most unhappiest people I know. Me on the other hand I have none of that and I’m one of the happiest people I know. All these experiences I’ve been lucky to have, Brian hasn’t been apart of any of it, if anything he missed out on all of them. So just because you want something doesn’t mean it’ll make you happy. I hope you guys enjoy your life and start living in the moment and not in the future

P.s. yesterday at work went great and I was anxious for no reason, always remember to have faith in yourself because I seem to always forget lol

Fear of Being Alone

We all want love. It’s just something we crave but the more I notice, I feel like people don’t let their hearts heal before moving on. Let me explain. I think we have this huge fear of being alone or that things won’t get better from our past, or we honestly just want to move on, so someone new is that quick fix that we’re looking for. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you hold on for that pain for a bit. Let your heart heal before you meet someone new. I don’t think it’s fair to be with someone, if I’m in love with someone else and I’m speaking from experience, so story time. I went out with this girl from bumble (a dating app) and for some reason she like fell in love with me after the first date, which blew my mind because like she barely knew me, and I didn’t say she was going to be my girlfriend. Well after the first date I notice that she deleted her bumble which for me was extremely odd because like I said we weren’t together and from my understanding and from what I told her I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship. The reason why I told her I didn’t want a relationship was because I knew I was still in love with my ex at the time and I knew that this was the first date I went on after my break up which I kept telling myself I can’t settle for the first person I meet, why’d I tell myself that you ask? Well I think I would have attached myself to this person for the wrong reasons, my fear of being alone and just for that person to make me feel better. I shouldn’t have to depend on someone else for my happiness. I tell myself all the time I have to learn to be happy on myself and just love myself the best I can, you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself and for me that was an important concept. I have a tendency for just settling for the first thing that comes into my life, and that’s not okay. Be patient, I promise you that you don’t need anyone right now. Good things come to those who wait. Just let things fall into place, the right person will come into your life when you’re not even looking. Enjoy being single, trust me it’s not for forever even if it seems that way. Love you guys.

I Am Afraid Of Love

After I broke up with my ex, for the longest time I hated love, well not exactly. I tried to convince myself that love doesn’t exists. I’d tell myself love is such a selfish thing, we only say we are in love because we’re afraid to be alone, we use each other for our own happiness, I was such a negative person about this, after my breakup I forgot what love is really about, it’s about being with your best friend, enjoying each other’s company, protecting and supporting each other, through thick and thin, push each other to be the best versions of each other, always remember to make each other laugh, and enjoying life together. I think I told myself this because I was just afraid of love. I was afraid of loving someone other than my ex, I think I’m still afraid of love. I think it’s the main reason why I’m single. Real love makes us vulnerable, like opening up to someone new scares me. New people make me think of my ex, I compare every girl to her and how they aren’t as good as her so I feel like I have this impossible standard no girl will ever meet. Whenever you’re in a relationship I feel like you lose a bit of yourself because you guys start becoming like one another. I don’t want to lose myself again especially after just figuring out who I am. Another reason I’m scared of love is because there’s so many positive moments in a relationship, but no one thinks about the hurt it comes with, like I feel like the more in love you become with someone, the more they can hurt you. The person’s intention might not be to hurt you but when they do, it does hurt the most coming from them. Love can be unequal sometimes, at times it may seem like you love me more or I love you more because of the amount of affection you give back to that person, we want what we give to our significant other and sometimes your partner might not reciprocate that affection back, I think I have a full understanding of this now but when I dated my ex I definitely did not, I craved affection because I wanted to know that my ex loved me. I think I craved it so much because of the lack of love I was given as a kid. Now I try to keep an open mind but I’m not looking for anything serious or any kind of relationship. Somedays I miss cuddling but that’s okay it’s not a permeant thing, I just have to wait until I’m ready, I have a long life to live and I just want to enjoy it, enjoy my friends, enjoy all the experiences that will come and just be happy being me.

I Love Myself Way Too Much

I love myself, and I love this about myself. I’m more selfish and I do whatever makes me happy. I recently stopped talking to someone who could have been a love interest, but I just wasn’t happy. One reason I wasn’t happy was because she called me a womanizer, which really hurt my feelings, even if she meant it as a joke, but I knew she wasn’t joking (you can’t call people that just because they don’t want what you want). Another reason and the main reason was that she was too clingy, it was just overwhelming, and I thought that my brain was going to explode. This was just something I didn’t need in my life. She wanted a relationship asap and I was in no rush. I enjoy being single, I don’t flirt with girls so that’s not the reason why I enjoy being single. I enjoy being single because I don’t have to go out of my way to make someone else happy. I don’t have to put someone else’s feelings first. I used to be in a relationship for almost 4 years and it was beautiful! a lot of ups and downs which in the end was worth the heartache, my point is it’s a lot of work. It’s mentally and physically draining. You have a lot less time for yourself. You lose yourself in a relationship and I’m just rediscovering myself and who I am. So, I’m happy with myself right now, I’ll continue to run because I think that’s when I’m the happiest. So, my advice to everyone is just always remove toxic energy in your life that makes you stress. Don’t rush yourself into a relationship, it’s okay for you to be alone, I pinky promise.

Lost Might Not Be A Bad Thing

Being lost might sound scary, I mean imagine being alone not knowing what direction you are going, sometimes I enjoy being lost, this is how I experience new adventures, so recently I did something that I didn’t think I would ever do, I met up with someone from a dating app. The experience itself was different and the night went in a totally different direction than what I planned, which wasn’t a bad thing, but it was new. The girl I met was kind and sweet, she was such a nice girl, something happened though. It had nothing to do with the girl, it was me. I thought of my ex. For me this ruined the rest of my night, I think. At the end of the night I dropped her off and I couldn’t comprehend the emotions I was feeling then, but after a few days of reflecting on my thoughts, I think I know what I want. So, after the date I didn’t want to see the girl again only because I was holding on to my past and I don’t like letting things go, but it’s something I must learn how to do. After speaking to one of my friends about the date, he gave me a great piece of advice and I wish I told him after how much his words meant to me, but he told me, “Steven why don’t you put your happiness first, you’re holding on to hopes of something that may never happen”. He was right though, here I am dwelling on my past and not enjoying the present. There was nothing wrong with this girl, but I was telling myself there was because of what ifs. Now after thinking, I would love to go on another date with this girl because the night was fun it was different and unusual. I think it’s what I need. A piece of advice I would love to give people right now is, try something new even though your past may make it hard or seem like it’s not okay to. Go ahead! Experience life! Enjoy new things! it’s okay, I promise and if they aren’t then maybe you’re not ready and that’s okay too just don’t be afraid to try new things.

Are You A Fuckboy?

What is a fuckboy? A fuckboy to me is a man or a boy who only uses people for sexual intentions with no intentions of committing to a relationship. Why is this a problem? Fuckboys don’t tell their partners that they don’t want a relationship thus hurting their partners. So, am I a fuckboy? By my definition I don’t think so, but I’ll let you decide at the end of this post. In high school I didn’t have many relationships because I didn’t “glow up” until after puberty which was 11th grade. Before 11th grade I only had one relationship. It was in the 9th grade and that didn’t last long so I don’t really count that as a relationship. In 11th grade I was making out with a girl who was in a relationship, which at the time I didn’t really care because I was a dickhead in high school plus I actually liked the girl at the time (the girl was really mean and she would black mail me using my nudes (don’t sext)), I don’t know what was wrong with me at the time but luckily for me her phone broke and all my nudes got erased. After my nudes got erased, I made a move on my ex girlfriend and we had a relationship which lasted about 4 years. During those 4 years, I was still a dickhead. During the 1st year of our relationship was the first time I hurt her. I cheated on her (no I didn’t have sex with another girl, but I kissed another girl) this really affected my ex but since I told her immediately and I felt like shit after I did it, I guess she forgave me. Then 2 or 3 years later I did something stupid to impress my friend because I wanted him to think I was cool (don’t fall into peer pressure) I grabbed some girl’s boob and was flirting hard with her. I didn’t tell my ex right away because I knew this time, she would have not forgave me, but eventually I told her, and we did break up because let’s be honest relationships won’t last if you lie to one another. So, am I a fuckboy? Probably, I don’t know. There was this one time this girl messaged me immediately after I broke up with my ex and told me how she liked me in high school (I didn’t believe her because I knew for a fact she was obsessed with this other guy) but she told me that and invited me over to her house, I thought she was inviting me over for sex. I was wrong, we watched some shitty movie. So the next day I blocked her number. After all this happening in my life, I think it taught me a valuable lessons and I owe the girl’s in this post an apology. I owe my 9th grade ex a apology because, I ghosted her since she gave me mono. I owe the girl who was in a relationship at the time an apology too, I should have never gotten involved with her like the way I did. I ruined her relationship and I owe her boyfriend at the time an apology, he was a really nice guy and when he found out about me, all his friends wanted to kick my ass but he told them not to, which is just really nice of him so I feel like more of an asshole now. I owe my ex the biggest apology of all because I obviously was not mature enough for our relationship since I always acted like a child, I wish I could have been better. I’m sorry. I owe the girl I kissed an apology because I led her on and had no intention of ever leaving my ex for her. To the girl who’s boob I grabbed, I’m not saying sorry because she messed with guys who were in a relationship. I know its my fault in the situation but she shouldn’t do that either. To the girl who I blocked, I’m not apologizing either. So, do I think I’m a fuckboy, no. I think I learned my lesson. I feel like a fuckboy would not have remorse to what he has done, and I never want to hurt anyone like the way I hurt my ex. I don’t want to be that guy and I refuse to be that guy again. Life is about learning and that’s what I plan to do. One important thing my ex said to me while we were broken up, which are words I live by now, “be honest with girls”. So, are you a fuckboy? Also do you think all men cheat?