So I haven’t ran in over a week and I’m getting antsy because of it. I haven’t ran because of my knee. This a pain I’ve never felt before, like it’s been over a week and my knee still hurts. It’s at random times as well. Whether it’s when I stand in spot for too long or sit in a chair funny. Me not running is not what’s making me antsy though it just helps me be less antsy, it’s because my friend Laura. Laura called me yesterday asking me to me to go up to Albany to see her graduate and go to the bar for one last night out in Albany next weekend. I went to school at Albany for only a semester and it’s because my life was being turned upside down during my time there and it’s no one’s fault but my own, I justified drinking as the solution to all my problems. Either way I made two awesome friends Laura and Alex. So obviously I want to be there for her. I dropped out of Albany in January of 2018 and I’ve only visited once since Halloween weekend. After throwing up and my head using the toilet as a pillow, I decided to just chill out, this lifestyle isn’t for me anymore and I did for the most part. Every time I go to Albany I just want to go home. It’s like this place changes my character. I have crazy fun for the night but when I wake up the next day and it’s daytime no one was there and when they were it didn’t feel like it.
I Also have to tell my mom I’m going and I want to take my car but my mom freaks out because my car is on the older side. Long Island to Albany is about a 3 hour drive and I have to drive through New York City which isn’t a problem for me I’ve done it multiple times. My mom on the other hand freaks out for the slightest of things so I don’t know how I’m going to bring this up to her.
Back to running, today when I went to work, I noticed my job’s parking lot was the finish line to a marathon. This made me upset because I knew I couldn’t run even though I wanted to. I’m afraid something will happen to my knee mid run and I can’t run forever plus I don’t have insurance so I don’t want it to be something major. I think I’m going to try to run tomorrow and hope my knee doesn’t collapse on me.
Well have a good night guys, wish me luck that my knee doesn’t give up on me. Also let me know what you guys do to calm your nerves?
Yesterday I went to this bar called the Nutty Irishman in Farmingdale, it was pretty good, I made out with a stranger and that was something I’ve never done before. I don’t really talk to woman at the bar, I kind of just vibe, so this was just new for me. When we kissed I felt absolutely nothing and I don’t know if I like that. It made me feel like I was emotionally unavailable. She was a pretty girl too but I don’t know maybe hooking up with people just isn’t my thing. She came up to me and kept saying “oh my god you’re so fucking cute” to me and to be honest I’m really bad when it comes to people complimenting me. I didn’t know what to do when she complimented me so I shrugged my shoulders, she laughed. So she grabbed my hand and we started dancing (bumping and grinding) and then she called me cute again so I was like fuck it, let me kiss her. I’ve kissed a few people and all of them were always different of course but there was like a connection but this time it was like I wasn’t even there. When I was in a relationship, hooking up with girls was something I always wanted to experience and some days I still do but I don’t know, I feel like I can’t get passed the “you have to be in a relationship to have sex” mindset. Last night was definitely a confidence booster though. I’ve been noticing girls staring at me more at the bars lately, so that helps my ego. I’m still trying to get out of my comfort zone, so I’m curious how my life plays out from here. If anyone has any tips or ever experienced what I’m going through please leave a comment and let me know. I love looking at other people’s perspectives.
This is going to be a quick blog post because I have to go on a run soon. I feel like I’m stuck in life right now like I’m not enjoying it. I just started working at this new place and there’s so many positives to it, like I’m a lot less stressed from work now. I make more money and my schedule is awesome. Just I don’t know, I feel bored more often. My routine lately has been work, run, smoke weed, shower, eat, sleep and repeat. So lately I’ve been thinking maybe I should start dating (get out of my comfort zone and just get to know more people), but I also don’t want to date because I’m saving my money to move out and next year live with my friends (living on long Island ain’t cheap). So I’m just blah. I also want to go back to school even if it’s community college on the weekends, I originally was majoring in psychology but I think I would like to switch my major to English because I do enjoy writing and I would like to become a better writer. I guess the point in my life right now that I’m experiencing is, what I want and who I want to become. I use to want this materialistic life where all these achievements in my life would make me happy and the amount of money I made was a measurement of my happiness, but I just want to enjoy life and live in the moment. I use to buy a lot of expensive name brand stuff and that doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I dress down a lot more and that makes me happy, so that’s good but what I do know is that, I want to be nice, caring, a person who helps/respect others even if others step on me or treat me like crap because in the end of the day I can’t control other people’s actions I can only control my own actions and I don’t want to stoop to anyone else’s level. Well if anyone has advice on what I should do to be less bored let me know.