Promise to myself.

I keep telling myself how I don’t want to repeat my actions and mistakes from my past but I’m so dumb, if I keep acting like this will it last? Maybe it’s because I think my life is boring, I’m always looking for the next big thing. Speaking to women who don’t need to be spoken to, but I keep acting up because I know I can get away with it. Why do I find this fun. Life decisions like I haven’t learnt a thing. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t go down this path again. Feelings like I don’t care maybe because I was hurt and now I feel like I have ruin other people’s happiness because I fucked up my shot. With my tears shed, I feel alone again. So many people around why do I feel alone. I always tell myself I’ll never call you again. The only thing I seem to do right. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you at night. I remember all the fights. Sorry because I’ll probably lie again. Fuck.

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Fill Rust.

You make me so numb
I wish I could feel
But my emotions you steal
I guess that’s just how I’m made
My heart with a blockade
I can’t grow in this cage
In rage
How could you walk
Without a talk
You said forever
I didn’t think that meant never
You never gave me enough credit
I mean you said it
I’m not him.
Something about his aurora or his presence
You made me feel like peasant
So unpleasant
I try to act like I’m not hurt or like I’m okay
But no lie
I still cry
Trying to forget what you did
Who am I going to kid
I’m scarred
And all that love you borrowed
I need it back so I don’t spiral
Oh how I was a fool
You used me like tool
Right in front me with all that disrespect
But how was I suppose to suspect
Let alone detect what was under my nose
Stupid of me that no questions arose
I mean what am I suppose to do
You already chose
I hope it was worth it
Because I’ve never felt more broken.
Maybe I should be king of the knots,
Since I always have knots in my stomach.

Your cry for help.

I swear all you do is try to hurt me
Don’t you think you did enough when you desert me
You hate me because I’m Mr. Perfect
Trying to make up reasons why I’m not worth it
I think you hate on my charisma
You try to make me feel like a single cell organism
Because lines and rhymes will never truly express how I feel
I’m telling you how with time you’ll heal
I think we finally got that goodbye I always thought I needed
Thank you.
Because of you now I’m at ease
Living life how I please
You claimed that you have changed, I think it’s out of rage
Holding on to words I said that destroyed you
So I’m giving you that apology I most definitely owed you
Telling me that I should move on
Like I’m in the wrong for my emotions
You came out of the blue like a shark in the ocean but
You came to me
Because you set the rules that you expect me to follow, you think I’m a puppet on strings
Wanting me to obey your rules and to not to feel a thing but
You came to me
I’ve kept my distance but 
You came to me.
What’s wrong old friend
I know this is probably end but
I just gotta know are you okay?

Long Island.

You hate this place because it’s not you. You don’t have a clique. You hate these people because they aren’t you. They never got you. You rather see stars and trees because that’s simply what sets you free. It’s unfortunate that there’s only cars and beaches, oh did I mention the pollution and yet you think you have the solution to solve this grand problem that the world must fix, the goal that you chase, the problem you try to erase. At least you know this home isn’t your place.

As for me I miss your face, I’m on this island and I know that this isn’t my place, this is where I met you and I’m in love with the memories. I have a clique, so I feel like I’m forced to stick, but I don’t want to be here too, when I’m home it doesn’t feel like when I was with you. Is it my time to go? You used to say, “home is wherever you are”. I think you found your home and your purpose and I know life is not a race, but I feel like you’re winning. I try to force myself to be happy on the island where I reside. On an island where it’s impossible to get lost, so you know I’m jealous of you because you can just get up and leave, you’re able to get lost. I guess I’m lucky because the lost I get is the I’m lost for words. I never know if I should speak to you or should I just let the cat keep my tongue.

Love me…

Why don't you love me 
Why did you leave
You left me alone 
There was nothing to hold 
No more stories to unfold 
without a trace 
I no longer see your face 
we had a hot flame 
burnt out , am I the one to blame?
How could this transpire?
Going through the wire 
Yet I'm the liar. 
Oh how I miss your skin 
when will I ever win. 

Bleeding In Silence

How many times a day do people ask you “how do you feel?” or “how are you?” probably at least once a day right? How many times do you actually tell them how you feel? I use to keep to myself a lot because as men we really aren’t taught to talk or express our feelings. Bottling up your emotions was a skilled I mastered, no one ever knew when I was upset because I always carried a big smile on my face, but in reality I was bleeding in silence. Hurting everyday with so much weight on my shoulders, I would just brush it off and acted like everything was okay. Living this way made me drink alcohol because this made me feel better about myself for a bit but is that really okay? I’m not saying alcohol is terrible because I do drink still, just once in a blue moon especially around the holidays but I definitely don’t drink like I used to nor do I ever want to go back to that point in my life. It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to be upset or sad, everyone has emotions and we have to learn how to express them, it will always be hard for me to share my emotions but I’m learning. With this being said we as men shouldn’t be ashamed of showing emotions or being sensitive. If you need to talk to someone do it! Everyone has someone that cares about them, and if you don’t have that person in your life, feel free to contact me I’ll listen. Remember mental health is important as physical health.