Someone Help me.

Today was a crazy day for me. I had to call out of work today because I experienced my first panic attack this morning, I was so scared at first because I thought I was dying, I just couldn’t breathe. I’ve been sad the whole day now. Last night I went out to drink with my friend because it was his 23rd birthday and I don’t drink but I know my friend doesn’t drink unless I drink. I drank more than I should have because I wanted him to have a good time. Before I go on to explain the rest of the story, I have to mention my ex texted me the other day, long story short what she said to me hurt me, she didn’t like the fact that I was writing about her and I understand that, but I never mentioned her name or what she did to me because that’s not my story to tell and I basically told her that. Back to the story, when I got home last night, I texted her, after I texted her, I called her. She wasn’t supposed to pick up at 3:30 in the morning I wanted to leave a voicemail, that wasn’t part of my drunk game plan. I’m in shock that she picked up. We didn’t say anything crazy to each other. I just wish I was sober when I called, I would have said other things like gave her some brotherly advice. I told her I still love her like I always do, I called her beautiful like I always do, told her that she hurt me when she texted me the other day because she told me to get over her and I promise you that I’ve been trying, that’s why I write so much because it makes me feel better. I felt like I was doing good too until she texted me. Just I hate people telling me how to feel because I have a huge heart and I’m just a sensitive guy. It was her turn to talk she told me she was over me and that doesn’t make me upset, I’m happy for her because in the end of the day if she’s happy then I’m happy too but, I have mild depression that no one knows about. I don’t talk about it because I’m always that guy who’s smiling 24/7 and it always passes. Some days I just really want to die. I majored in Psychology because my brother has bad depression and my mom just doesn’t understand it so, I wanted to always be there for him and just anybody who needs me. Days like this I wish there was somebody for me to talk to I think that’s why I called my ex, she always made me feel safe and she was just the person I confided in the most. I didn’t tell her how I feel like dying sometimes because I don’t want her to worry or think it’s about her because it’s not it’s just life sometimes. Some days I feel helpless, I always feel guilty like I’m doing the wrong thing. It’s hard for me to be motivated. When I’m with friends I feel awkward sometimes I think it’s because my lack of interest of being social because somedays I just want to be left alone. When I hung up the call, “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes just kept playing in my head, parts of the song just kept repeating in my head like “Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly” and also this part right here “Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?” the first part I mentioned was literally me last night I was on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for myself like I always do, I always felt insecure, that’s another thing people don’t know about me that’s why I do stupid shit that I do. My ex was the something to ease my mind. Like I said I don’t drink because like Shawn says does it ever get better? I hooked up with someone I didn’t feel better, but I keep telling myself it’s going to get better, because in the arms of a stranger I tried to look for love, but it just didn’t feel the same it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like home. So back to my panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, and I was scared at first but then I felt relax because I thought I was finally dying, I would never kill myself by the way I’m too scared to do it but I’m also not afraid of death. So, now that brings me here before the panic attack, I was feeling sad I just wanted to be held. I wanted my mom (my mom is traveling outside of the country) even though I know she wasn’t going to hold me because she never was affectionate to me and my siblings growing up, but I just wanted to be curled up in a ball I wanted someone to just hold me, just something. I feel like an idiot needing somebody to help me because I feel like it’s something I just have to go through. I stopped running because I was smoking weed every day in January because weed just always makes me feel better, but I stopped smoking weed because I want a new job and they drug test but with no weed or running I find myself more depressed than usual. I want to do 3 things, 1) stop drinking permanently. 2) Start running again. 3) learn how to play guitar especially “In My Blood” because this song is helping me right now. Sorry for writing so much guys just a lot happened to me and I’m tired of bottling it in. I’m tired of being everyone’s superhero. I’m sure Batman has days where he wants to be saved for a change.

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