What’s to come…

So with work and just life going on, I’ve just been very busy lately and I know that isn’t an excuse and I’m probably just going to get busier with summer coming but like in my last post I do want to write more.

So what is to come in the future? Well yesterday I just bought my first DSLR camera which I’ve been wanting to buy since last year. I just need to make one more big purchase and I’m set to start my summer project. My summer project I’ve been planning it out here and there but I’m getting closer to start it. So I use to make YouTube videos and let me tell you they were terrible so I deleted all of them except for one because I knew I was going to do YouTube again and I didn’t want to start over with making a channel. Why’d I quit in the first place? Good question at that point of my life I was just giving up on everything, I was frustrated and my computer wasn’t strong enough to handle video editing so it took way too long to edit a video plus while watching the video during editing it would always lag while I edit so I couldn’t see what exactly I was editing or I’d have to watch it over and over again until I got it right, the videos weren’t coming out how I wanted them to be but now that I have this great big idea I think I’m ready to try again. Since my knowledge about film making, computers and cameras grew.

What’s my big idea? Another good question well when I first did YouTube it was strictly Vlogs and I felt like I had to force my life to be exciting and it didn’t seem genuine. I always wanted to make films. Films, photos, and writing are where I get to show off my creativity. So as some of my first couple of followers know, I was majoring in psychology at University at Albany, why is that important to know well my videos aren’t going to be about psychology necessarily but I’m starting off with my friends (my friends don’t know yet I’ve been keeping quiet about it) then working up my courage to ask strangers but I’m going to ask them deep questions and they can answer it however they want to answer it jokingly or seriously whatever but I want it to be like a therapy session where they can vent their feelings or problems, where I can be someone people talk to and I know not many people are open to sharing their feelings especially on the internet but we’ll see how it goes. This is a learning experience and we’ll see how it goes. Every time I have a new idea as in a new question to ask people I write it down in my book that no one knows I own (top secret 🤫). So for example my first question I wrote down was “why aren’t you where you want to be in life” these types of questions aren’t to make people feel bad, they’re so people understand we’re more similar to each other than you think. Everyone goes through shit and experiences are different for everyone, so it’s okay if you’re not at the point in life where you want to be. It’s okay to feel hurt sometimes.

Well more to come soon I’ll keep you guys update when I start my project it’s most likely beginning in the end of summer but I’ll keep you posted and to all my followers thank you for your patiences and support. I hope all this will be worth the wait, in the meantime here’s my first crappy blog if anyone wants to check it out https://youtu.be/1qL_IIZJBVk

Peace ✌🏽

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What I want.

I hope there’s not too many errors in this post I didn’t have much time to write this today before I went to work

So there’s this girl I barely talk to, but every time I do somehow she ends up saying “aww you’ll find someone someday” and I don’t know why she said that. I rather be alone, like I’m seriously fine with being alone. It sounds weird I know but I just don’t click well with people that well anymore and it seems like the older I get, I start speaking less and less to people like wanting to connect with new people, I judge a lot not in like oh that person is stupid way but more in I compare people to me way so if you’re not like me, we’ll probably won’t be friends. It’s just weird how she assumes that I’m looking for someone. Personally a relationship is just not what I want anymore. I’m 22 going on to 23 and while it’s May and I see people graduating from school, getting married or having kids. I’m not jealous about any of that. I’m happy for everyone else who is graduating, getting married or having kids because obviously that’s their dream but unfortunately that’s not mine. People think that just because you do any of things that I mentioned, that you’re happy or successful but I’m not any of those and I’ve never been happier. The other day I was going through my photos and after scrolling for a while, I said to myself, I have a fucking amazing life like I’m so lucky, I’ve travel so much since I left high school, like I know other people travel and others probably travel more than I do but I don’t know all the journeys I got to experience with all these different people. I think that’s what life is about. It’s not about fulfilling other people’s expectations. It’s about literally doing what the fuck you want.

Two weekends ago I was high at the bar and I said to myself “wow we really are the stars of our own movies” like you are in control of your life, so if you’re not happy with a situation, do something about it. In the end of the day you are in control of your happiness.

So to the girl who keeps telling me “aww you’ll find someone one day” I say no thank you. I’m not looking for a perfect someone. I’m looking for me. That’s why my blog is called discovering me. I don’t know how old all my followers are but if you’re on social media and you see someone with the “perfect life” don’t be jealous, 1. Be happy for them and 2. Their life probably isn’t perfect, so don’t worry if yours isn’t. Just focus on yourself. An example of this is my best friend Brian, I really hope his baby mama doesn’t read my blogs. He graduated from university, has a kid with his high school sweetheart, a beautiful home, a nice car, and he is one of the most unhappiest people I know. Me on the other hand I have none of that and I’m one of the happiest people I know. All these experiences I’ve been lucky to have, Brian hasn’t been apart of any of it, if anything he missed out on all of them. So just because you want something doesn’t mean it’ll make you happy. I hope you guys enjoy your life and start living in the moment and not in the future

P.s. yesterday at work went great and I was anxious for no reason, always remember to have faith in yourself because I seem to always forget lol

So Much to Learn.

I want to be in relationship so bad. I hate being alone. I know I can’t be in one. I don’t love myself like I should. Until I learn to love myself, I won’t be able to. I’m insecure, so whenever someone with a pretty face talks to me and makes me feel good, I tend to make reckless decisions because that person made me feel good about myself and it’s what I needed to hear at the moment. I want to love myself so I don’t feel so insecure. I don’t want to feel so low all the time so I don’t cheat and hurt people who come into my life. I know I’m not perfect, I know my flaws. I just need time. When I’m in love, I’m in love like that’s the only person I want, everyone else is just somebody to make my bruised ego get a bit better, in the end of day it shouldn’t be like that. I know my problems and my goal is to fix them.

Taking the Sourest Lemon and Somehow Turning it to Something That Resembles Lemonade

I was watching ‘A Million Little Things’ today (which is an amazing show by the way, makes me cry all the time.) and one of the characters Jon said “we can’t change our past, we can only change our reaction to it, because even if the past is painful, you never know when it will lead to something wonderful.” For me this quote perfectly explained how I live my life now, I mean there’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I wish I could change the past because I’ve done some fucked up things, but I know I can’t. A few months ago, I was just tired of feeling bad for myself, I was just guilty of things I couldn’t control, things that weren’t even my fault. I decided that I would take all my pain and turn it into something I could learn from. I think I matured so much because of this, I’m no longer a person who hates, I’m someone who motivates. I will no longer put people down because of my past, not even the people who have hurt me, yes I might take a step back from them because I don’t want that negative energy in my life, but all that anger that person may have towards me, I will no longer fight fire with fire, I will fight fire with love. One day that pain will go away, lets spread love. Let’s turn something ugly into something that could possibly be beautiful one day. Just remember everything is beautiful depending how you look at it. This quote is amazing honestly, wish I heard it sooner. My past can never be changed, and I’ve accepted and no longer mad about it and I know my future is bright.

Be Kind…

Today I experienced one of the worst days of my life. Nothing really terrible happened just, I broke my kitchen blind (which I bought a new one and replaced myself so my mom wouldn’t yell at me before she came from work) and my car got stuck in snow but that didn’t ruin my day, this did. Like I mentioned my car got stuck in snow, this lady was just helping everyone push their car so they would get unstuck, luckily for her I saw this and I had just called out of work because of my car being stuck plus my dumbass didn’t get gas the day before and my gas light went on so I figured oh well might as well help her push cars, so I’m helping this lady push cars then some asshole driving by yelled out “yeah you push that car you fat bitch” I felt so bad and I didn’t know what to say to the woman. Like I don’t understand why people are so rude and disrespectful, this woman was the only person kind enough to get out of her car to help others in need, so after a few seconds of me comprehending what the fuck just happened, I said to her, “I’m really sorry about that” and I really wish I said more to her. Someone shouldn’t get made fun of because of their weight, no matter how big or skinny someone is. My advice to the world is be kind. You never know what the next person is experiencing in life so be nice to others, even if someone is mean to you just be kind, people lash out in anger and it might not be directed to you but their current emotion is anger so they come off as an asshole to you, so just take that into inconsideration when dealing with an angry person and don’t be mean back because maybe you’re just making their day worst. I wish I caught that lady’s name and got the chance to tell her how great of a person she is and to the guy in the car who yelled that awful thing to her you should be really ashamed of yourself. I mean didn’t your mother raise you better? Haven’t you heard of the expression “if you have nothing nice to say, you really should say nothing at all” and if you have kids, you’re just being a bad role model for them, so be like the nice lady and just be kind.