What I want.

I hope there’s not too many errors in this post I didn’t have much time to write this today before I went to work

So there’s this girl I barely talk to, but every time I do somehow she ends up saying “aww you’ll find someone someday” and I don’t know why she said that. I rather be alone, like I’m seriously fine with being alone. It sounds weird I know but I just don’t click well with people that well anymore and it seems like the older I get, I start speaking less and less to people like wanting to connect with new people, I judge a lot not in like oh that person is stupid way but more in I compare people to me way so if you’re not like me, we’ll probably won’t be friends. It’s just weird how she assumes that I’m looking for someone. Personally a relationship is just not what I want anymore. I’m 22 going on to 23 and while it’s May and I see people graduating from school, getting married or having kids. I’m not jealous about any of that. I’m happy for everyone else who is graduating, getting married or having kids because obviously that’s their dream but unfortunately that’s not mine. People think that just because you do any of things that I mentioned, that you’re happy or successful but I’m not any of those and I’ve never been happier. The other day I was going through my photos and after scrolling for a while, I said to myself, I have a fucking amazing life like I’m so lucky, I’ve travel so much since I left high school, like I know other people travel and others probably travel more than I do but I don’t know all the journeys I got to experience with all these different people. I think that’s what life is about. It’s not about fulfilling other people’s expectations. It’s about literally doing what the fuck you want.

Two weekends ago I was high at the bar and I said to myself “wow we really are the stars of our own movies” like you are in control of your life, so if you’re not happy with a situation, do something about it. In the end of the day you are in control of your happiness.

So to the girl who keeps telling me “aww you’ll find someone one day” I say no thank you. I’m not looking for a perfect someone. I’m looking for me. That’s why my blog is called discovering me. I don’t know how old all my followers are but if you’re on social media and you see someone with the “perfect life” don’t be jealous, 1. Be happy for them and 2. Their life probably isn’t perfect, so don’t worry if yours isn’t. Just focus on yourself. An example of this is my best friend Brian, I really hope his baby mama doesn’t read my blogs. He graduated from university, has a kid with his high school sweetheart, a beautiful home, a nice car, and he is one of the most unhappiest people I know. Me on the other hand I have none of that and I’m one of the happiest people I know. All these experiences I’ve been lucky to have, Brian hasn’t been apart of any of it, if anything he missed out on all of them. So just because you want something doesn’t mean it’ll make you happy. I hope you guys enjoy your life and start living in the moment and not in the future

P.s. yesterday at work went great and I was anxious for no reason, always remember to have faith in yourself because I seem to always forget lol

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Nail biter

So something people don’t know about me is that, I actually have anxiety. I think one person knows about it but I never told them I had it. I always play it cool, you’d never assume that I’m an anxious person because I seem cool, calm, and collected but in reality I’m freaking out on inside. I use to bite my nails all the time in front of this person and they would always question me why I would bite them but I played it off and told them it was a force of habit. I no longer bite my nails because I had invisible aligners for awhile and was unable to bite my nails and I haven’t felt really anxious in awhile either (I tend to get anxious while driving alone to place I’m unfamiliar with). Today I am feeling pretty anxious though. I got promoted at my job and now I have to do computer stuff and I consider myself a tech savvy person but I was trained for maybe an hour yesterday and now I have to do it on my own today. The reason I feel anxious is because if I fuck up then the company can miss out on thousands of dollars. I tend to mess up at my job to begin with, so this nerve wrecking. Right now I’m just rerunning what I learned yesterday in my head over and over again before I go to work. The more I do it, the more I wished that I asked more questions. I hate messing up. It makes me feel dumb. I keep telling myself it’s going to be fine just go slowly but I feel like I’m going to forget steps. I should probably drink some tea to calm down. Anyways I hope everyone is having a better start to their day than I am! Happy Wednesday guy! Friendly reminder to take it slow!

Oil Change

So the other day I was going to do an oil change on my car but I stripped the drain plug bolt. For me I didnt care because I knew I could just take it to the mechanic and I knew he’d be able to get the bolt out but my mom got really upset with me, she said “Steven you can’t do anything.” I don’t ever talk back to my mom, I usually let her talk my ear off but whenever someone insults my intelligence or calls me dumb or useless, I get upset because I know I’m a smart kid, I think it got me a little extra mad because I literally do everything for my mom. So I said “oh yeah and you know how to do everything,” then my mom said “well at least I don’t try to do stuff I don’t know how to do”. So I responded “well if you don’t know how to do something you then gotta learn” and she stayed quiet. For me and oil change is one of the simplest things to do on your car, I’ve seen my step dad do it so many times and I know how to do it but the drain plug was so rusty that it wouldn’t come off no matter what I did, it just kept stripping and getting more deformed from it’s original shape. I know my mom means well but her words hurt because she doesn’t know how I feel about not growing up with a dad to teach me “man” things. My whole life I had to teach myself and pave my own definition of being man (whenever a man teaches me a lesson I engrave it in my brain). I try to be a “man” but it’s so hard because I have to learn so much and I know so little. I know that an oil change won’t make me a “man” but I like to do things by myself and not depend on others. Well back to the story so the mechanic got the drain plug out and my mom made me feel like crap for no reason. I know my mom and I have different mindset because we’re born in different times and places like she was born in El Salvador and I in the United States but I don’t think she gets how everything has a solution and how getting mad at the little things gets you no where and I know I shouldn’t have spoken back to my mom but she pushed a button I’m very sensitive about. I just want to say this before I gotta go to work this morning, before you get mad or say something hurtful to someone ask yourself “how will saying this or doing this, benefit the situation” it probably won’t so always think twice, you don’t want to make the situation worse. Luckily for my mama I love her and I don’t hold grudges so everything is okay lol and my car runs amazingly now since I also got a tune up on the car while at the mechanic, so I can’t complain or be upset. I hope everyone has a great day! Remember to smile!

So Much to Learn.

I want to be in relationship so bad. I hate being alone. I know I can’t be in one. I don’t love myself like I should. Until I learn to love myself, I won’t be able to. I’m insecure, so whenever someone with a pretty face talks to me and makes me feel good, I tend to make reckless decisions because that person made me feel good about myself and it’s what I needed to hear at the moment. I want to love myself so I don’t feel so insecure. I don’t want to feel so low all the time so I don’t cheat and hurt people who come into my life. I know I’m not perfect, I know my flaws. I just need time. When I’m in love, I’m in love like that’s the only person I want, everyone else is just somebody to make my bruised ego get a bit better, in the end of day it shouldn’t be like that. I know my problems and my goal is to fix them.

Taking the Sourest Lemon and Somehow Turning it to Something That Resembles Lemonade

I was watching ‘A Million Little Things’ today (which is an amazing show by the way, makes me cry all the time.) and one of the characters Jon said “we can’t change our past, we can only change our reaction to it, because even if the past is painful, you never know when it will lead to something wonderful.” For me this quote perfectly explained how I live my life now, I mean there’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I wish I could change the past because I’ve done some fucked up things, but I know I can’t. A few months ago, I was just tired of feeling bad for myself, I was just guilty of things I couldn’t control, things that weren’t even my fault. I decided that I would take all my pain and turn it into something I could learn from. I think I matured so much because of this, I’m no longer a person who hates, I’m someone who motivates. I will no longer put people down because of my past, not even the people who have hurt me, yes I might take a step back from them because I don’t want that negative energy in my life, but all that anger that person may have towards me, I will no longer fight fire with fire, I will fight fire with love. One day that pain will go away, lets spread love. Let’s turn something ugly into something that could possibly be beautiful one day. Just remember everything is beautiful depending how you look at it. This quote is amazing honestly, wish I heard it sooner. My past can never be changed, and I’ve accepted and no longer mad about it and I know my future is bright.

I Am Afraid Of Love

After I broke up with my ex, for the longest time I hated love, well not exactly. I tried to convince myself that love doesn’t exists. I’d tell myself love is such a selfish thing, we only say we are in love because we’re afraid to be alone, we use each other for our own happiness, I was such a negative person about this, after my breakup I forgot what love is really about, it’s about being with your best friend, enjoying each other’s company, protecting and supporting each other, through thick and thin, push each other to be the best versions of each other, always remember to make each other laugh, and enjoying life together. I think I told myself this because I was just afraid of love. I was afraid of loving someone other than my ex, I think I’m still afraid of love. I think it’s the main reason why I’m single. Real love makes us vulnerable, like opening up to someone new scares me. New people make me think of my ex, I compare every girl to her and how they aren’t as good as her so I feel like I have this impossible standard no girl will ever meet. Whenever you’re in a relationship I feel like you lose a bit of yourself because you guys start becoming like one another. I don’t want to lose myself again especially after just figuring out who I am. Another reason I’m scared of love is because there’s so many positive moments in a relationship, but no one thinks about the hurt it comes with, like I feel like the more in love you become with someone, the more they can hurt you. The person’s intention might not be to hurt you but when they do, it does hurt the most coming from them. Love can be unequal sometimes, at times it may seem like you love me more or I love you more because of the amount of affection you give back to that person, we want what we give to our significant other and sometimes your partner might not reciprocate that affection back, I think I have a full understanding of this now but when I dated my ex I definitely did not, I craved affection because I wanted to know that my ex loved me. I think I craved it so much because of the lack of love I was given as a kid. Now I try to keep an open mind but I’m not looking for anything serious or any kind of relationship. Somedays I miss cuddling but that’s okay it’s not a permeant thing, I just have to wait until I’m ready, I have a long life to live and I just want to enjoy it, enjoy my friends, enjoy all the experiences that will come and just be happy being me.

Lost Might Not Be A Bad Thing

Being lost might sound scary, I mean imagine being alone not knowing what direction you are going, sometimes I enjoy being lost, this is how I experience new adventures, so recently I did something that I didn’t think I would ever do, I met up with someone from a dating app. The experience itself was different and the night went in a totally different direction than what I planned, which wasn’t a bad thing, but it was new. The girl I met was kind and sweet, she was such a nice girl, something happened though. It had nothing to do with the girl, it was me. I thought of my ex. For me this ruined the rest of my night, I think. At the end of the night I dropped her off and I couldn’t comprehend the emotions I was feeling then, but after a few days of reflecting on my thoughts, I think I know what I want. So, after the date I didn’t want to see the girl again only because I was holding on to my past and I don’t like letting things go, but it’s something I must learn how to do. After speaking to one of my friends about the date, he gave me a great piece of advice and I wish I told him after how much his words meant to me, but he told me, “Steven why don’t you put your happiness first, you’re holding on to hopes of something that may never happen”. He was right though, here I am dwelling on my past and not enjoying the present. There was nothing wrong with this girl, but I was telling myself there was because of what ifs. Now after thinking, I would love to go on another date with this girl because the night was fun it was different and unusual. I think it’s what I need. A piece of advice I would love to give people right now is, try something new even though your past may make it hard or seem like it’s not okay to. Go ahead! Experience life! Enjoy new things! it’s okay, I promise and if they aren’t then maybe you’re not ready and that’s okay too just don’t be afraid to try new things.