What’s to come…

So with work and just life going on, I’ve just been very busy lately and I know that isn’t an excuse and I’m probably just going to get busier with summer coming but like in my last post I do want to write more.

So what is to come in the future? Well yesterday I just bought my first DSLR camera which I’ve been wanting to buy since last year. I just need to make one more big purchase and I’m set to start my summer project. My summer project I’ve been planning it out here and there but I’m getting closer to start it. So I use to make YouTube videos and let me tell you they were terrible so I deleted all of them except for one because I knew I was going to do YouTube again and I didn’t want to start over with making a channel. Why’d I quit in the first place? Good question at that point of my life I was just giving up on everything, I was frustrated and my computer wasn’t strong enough to handle video editing so it took way too long to edit a video plus while watching the video during editing it would always lag while I edit so I couldn’t see what exactly I was editing or I’d have to watch it over and over again until I got it right, the videos weren’t coming out how I wanted them to be but now that I have this great big idea I think I’m ready to try again. Since my knowledge about film making, computers and cameras grew.

What’s my big idea? Another good question well when I first did YouTube it was strictly Vlogs and I felt like I had to force my life to be exciting and it didn’t seem genuine. I always wanted to make films. Films, photos, and writing are where I get to show off my creativity. So as some of my first couple of followers know, I was majoring in psychology at University at Albany, why is that important to know well my videos aren’t going to be about psychology necessarily but I’m starting off with my friends (my friends don’t know yet I’ve been keeping quiet about it) then working up my courage to ask strangers but I’m going to ask them deep questions and they can answer it however they want to answer it jokingly or seriously whatever but I want it to be like a therapy session where they can vent their feelings or problems, where I can be someone people talk to and I know not many people are open to sharing their feelings especially on the internet but we’ll see how it goes. This is a learning experience and we’ll see how it goes. Every time I have a new idea as in a new question to ask people I write it down in my book that no one knows I own (top secret 🤫). So for example my first question I wrote down was “why aren’t you where you want to be in life” these types of questions aren’t to make people feel bad, they’re so people understand we’re more similar to each other than you think. Everyone goes through shit and experiences are different for everyone, so it’s okay if you’re not at the point in life where you want to be. It’s okay to feel hurt sometimes.

Well more to come soon I’ll keep you guys update when I start my project it’s most likely beginning in the end of summer but I’ll keep you posted and to all my followers thank you for your patiences and support. I hope all this will be worth the wait, in the meantime here’s my first crappy blog if anyone wants to check it out https://youtu.be/1qL_IIZJBVk

Peace ✌🏽

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No Running =(

So I haven’t ran in over a week and I’m getting antsy because of it. I haven’t ran because of my knee. This a pain I’ve never felt before, like it’s been over a week and my knee still hurts. It’s at random times as well. Whether it’s when I stand in spot for too long or sit in a chair funny. Me not running is not what’s making me antsy though it just helps me be less antsy, it’s because my friend Laura. Laura called me yesterday asking me to me to go up to Albany to see her graduate and go to the bar for one last night out in Albany next weekend. I went to school at Albany for only a semester and it’s because my life was being turned upside down during my time there and it’s no one’s fault but my own, I justified drinking as the solution to all my problems. Either way I made two awesome friends Laura and Alex. So obviously I want to be there for her. I dropped out of Albany in January of 2018 and I’ve only visited once since Halloween weekend. After throwing up and my head using the toilet as a pillow, I decided to just chill out, this lifestyle isn’t for me anymore and I did for the most part. Every time I go to Albany I just want to go home. It’s like this place changes my character. I have crazy fun for the night but when I wake up the next day and it’s daytime no one was there and when they were it didn’t feel like it.

I Also have to tell my mom I’m going and I want to take my car but my mom freaks out because my car is on the older side. Long Island to Albany is about a 3 hour drive and I have to drive through New York City which isn’t a problem for me I’ve done it multiple times. My mom on the other hand freaks out for the slightest of things so I don’t know how I’m going to bring this up to her.

Back to running, today when I went to work, I noticed my job’s parking lot was the finish line to a marathon. This made me upset because I knew I couldn’t run even though I wanted to. I’m afraid something will happen to my knee mid run and I can’t run forever plus I don’t have insurance so I don’t want it to be something major. I think I’m going to try to run tomorrow and hope my knee doesn’t collapse on me.

Well have a good night guys, wish me luck that my knee doesn’t give up on me. Also let me know what you guys do to calm your nerves?

Confidence

It’s crazy because I had this in my drafts (I completely forgot to post this, its over a month old) and couldn’t post it because I just simply didn’t know the answer to this but I went to the WWE’s Hall of Fame, I honestly didn’t think I was going to find the answer I was looking for at a wrestling event.
So story time, I have this one friend who lacks confidence, he thinks he’s extremely fat which he isn’t at all. So me and my other friend are trying to get him out of his comfort zone a bit. So we went to the mall the other day just to show him like what we think is cool and just trying to give him tips to be more confident. My friend who lacks confidence was telling me and my other friend how he likes loose fitting jeans, which isn’t a bad thing, but I want him to try wearing skinny jeans just to see how he feels in them. His wardrobe isn’t bad either but I feel like he dresses too much like an adult, I mean I’m 22 and I use to dress a lot like him and maybe it’s because we’re a product of the town we grew up in and we were trying to fit in with the rich white kids but lately I’ve switched up my style I’ve been dressing down a lot and yeah I might look like hooligan but I feel comfortable and confident in my clothes
So what are some tips to being confident you may ask? Well personally I don’t know. WWE’s Hall of Fame wrestler Torrie Wilson knows for sure. She first said she was a shy person but she pushed herself to be confident for all her fan which I respect a lot. Her first tip was “Permission is for pansies” don’t ask permission to do what you want to do. It’s your life! you should live it however way you want to live it. Her second tip, which I thought was pretty funny “Summon your Swagger!” for me this meant whenever the occasion calls for it, be the most confident person you know. Yeah this is probably the hard part of confidence but think of it this way. You don’t always need to be super confident but let’s say you’re dancing at a club or something, you’re shy of dancing in public, summon your swag, even if you look stupid at dancing, your happy and having a great time people will notice your confidence. Torrie Wilson’s last tip and probably the most important. “Forget your failures” Look everyone is going to fuck up but you can’t let that get the best of you. Example of this is I went to bar with my friend Justin in the city and he just recently became single and he doesn’t talk to random girls at bars but he did it anyways. He got rejected and he took it like a champ. Already forgetting his failure, he took it more like a lesson. He said “wow honestly that gave me so much confidence I’ve never done that before but I think I can do that now with no fear.” Props to him because I’m still scared to do that lol.
Look confidence comes in difference forms but we shouldn’t let fear ruin our lives. Life is too short to be living it to the fullest. BE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR IN SKIN. take chances. Always believe in yourself, you’re capable of doing anything you set your mind to and more.

Happy Friday guys! Enjoy the start of your weekend and be confident with whatever you do today. Love you guys!

What I want.

I hope there’s not too many errors in this post I didn’t have much time to write this today before I went to work

So there’s this girl I barely talk to, but every time I do somehow she ends up saying “aww you’ll find someone someday” and I don’t know why she said that. I rather be alone, like I’m seriously fine with being alone. It sounds weird I know but I just don’t click well with people that well anymore and it seems like the older I get, I start speaking less and less to people like wanting to connect with new people, I judge a lot not in like oh that person is stupid way but more in I compare people to me way so if you’re not like me, we’ll probably won’t be friends. It’s just weird how she assumes that I’m looking for someone. Personally a relationship is just not what I want anymore. I’m 22 going on to 23 and while it’s May and I see people graduating from school, getting married or having kids. I’m not jealous about any of that. I’m happy for everyone else who is graduating, getting married or having kids because obviously that’s their dream but unfortunately that’s not mine. People think that just because you do any of things that I mentioned, that you’re happy or successful but I’m not any of those and I’ve never been happier. The other day I was going through my photos and after scrolling for a while, I said to myself, I have a fucking amazing life like I’m so lucky, I’ve travel so much since I left high school, like I know other people travel and others probably travel more than I do but I don’t know all the journeys I got to experience with all these different people. I think that’s what life is about. It’s not about fulfilling other people’s expectations. It’s about literally doing what the fuck you want.

Two weekends ago I was high at the bar and I said to myself “wow we really are the stars of our own movies” like you are in control of your life, so if you’re not happy with a situation, do something about it. In the end of the day you are in control of your happiness.

So to the girl who keeps telling me “aww you’ll find someone one day” I say no thank you. I’m not looking for a perfect someone. I’m looking for me. That’s why my blog is called discovering me. I don’t know how old all my followers are but if you’re on social media and you see someone with the “perfect life” don’t be jealous, 1. Be happy for them and 2. Their life probably isn’t perfect, so don’t worry if yours isn’t. Just focus on yourself. An example of this is my best friend Brian, I really hope his baby mama doesn’t read my blogs. He graduated from university, has a kid with his high school sweetheart, a beautiful home, a nice car, and he is one of the most unhappiest people I know. Me on the other hand I have none of that and I’m one of the happiest people I know. All these experiences I’ve been lucky to have, Brian hasn’t been apart of any of it, if anything he missed out on all of them. So just because you want something doesn’t mean it’ll make you happy. I hope you guys enjoy your life and start living in the moment and not in the future

P.s. yesterday at work went great and I was anxious for no reason, always remember to have faith in yourself because I seem to always forget lol

Nail biter

So something people don’t know about me is that, I actually have anxiety. I think one person knows about it but I never told them I had it. I always play it cool, you’d never assume that I’m an anxious person because I seem cool, calm, and collected but in reality I’m freaking out on inside. I use to bite my nails all the time in front of this person and they would always question me why I would bite them but I played it off and told them it was a force of habit. I no longer bite my nails because I had invisible aligners for awhile and was unable to bite my nails and I haven’t felt really anxious in awhile either (I tend to get anxious while driving alone to place I’m unfamiliar with). Today I am feeling pretty anxious though. I got promoted at my job and now I have to do computer stuff and I consider myself a tech savvy person but I was trained for maybe an hour yesterday and now I have to do it on my own today. The reason I feel anxious is because if I fuck up then the company can miss out on thousands of dollars. I tend to mess up at my job to begin with, so this nerve wrecking. Right now I’m just rerunning what I learned yesterday in my head over and over again before I go to work. The more I do it, the more I wished that I asked more questions. I hate messing up. It makes me feel dumb. I keep telling myself it’s going to be fine just go slowly but I feel like I’m going to forget steps. I should probably drink some tea to calm down. Anyways I hope everyone is having a better start to their day than I am! Happy Wednesday guy! Friendly reminder to take it slow!

Oil Change

So the other day I was going to do an oil change on my car but I stripped the drain plug bolt. For me I didnt care because I knew I could just take it to the mechanic and I knew he’d be able to get the bolt out but my mom got really upset with me, she said “Steven you can’t do anything.” I don’t ever talk back to my mom, I usually let her talk my ear off but whenever someone insults my intelligence or calls me dumb or useless, I get upset because I know I’m a smart kid, I think it got me a little extra mad because I literally do everything for my mom. So I said “oh yeah and you know how to do everything,” then my mom said “well at least I don’t try to do stuff I don’t know how to do”. So I responded “well if you don’t know how to do something you then gotta learn” and she stayed quiet. For me and oil change is one of the simplest things to do on your car, I’ve seen my step dad do it so many times and I know how to do it but the drain plug was so rusty that it wouldn’t come off no matter what I did, it just kept stripping and getting more deformed from it’s original shape. I know my mom means well but her words hurt because she doesn’t know how I feel about not growing up with a dad to teach me “man” things. My whole life I had to teach myself and pave my own definition of being man (whenever a man teaches me a lesson I engrave it in my brain). I try to be a “man” but it’s so hard because I have to learn so much and I know so little. I know that an oil change won’t make me a “man” but I like to do things by myself and not depend on others. Well back to the story so the mechanic got the drain plug out and my mom made me feel like crap for no reason. I know my mom and I have different mindset because we’re born in different times and places like she was born in El Salvador and I in the United States but I don’t think she gets how everything has a solution and how getting mad at the little things gets you no where and I know I shouldn’t have spoken back to my mom but she pushed a button I’m very sensitive about. I just want to say this before I gotta go to work this morning, before you get mad or say something hurtful to someone ask yourself “how will saying this or doing this, benefit the situation” it probably won’t so always think twice, you don’t want to make the situation worse. Luckily for my mama I love her and I don’t hold grudges so everything is okay lol and my car runs amazingly now since I also got a tune up on the car while at the mechanic, so I can’t complain or be upset. I hope everyone has a great day! Remember to smile!

So Much to Learn.

I want to be in relationship so bad. I hate being alone. I know I can’t be in one. I don’t love myself like I should. Until I learn to love myself, I won’t be able to. I’m insecure, so whenever someone with a pretty face talks to me and makes me feel good, I tend to make reckless decisions because that person made me feel good about myself and it’s what I needed to hear at the moment. I want to love myself so I don’t feel so insecure. I don’t want to feel so low all the time so I don’t cheat and hurt people who come into my life. I know I’m not perfect, I know my flaws. I just need time. When I’m in love, I’m in love like that’s the only person I want, everyone else is just somebody to make my bruised ego get a bit better, in the end of day it shouldn’t be like that. I know my problems and my goal is to fix them.