I keep telling myself how I don’t want to repeat my actions and mistakes from my past but I’m so dumb, if I keep acting like this will it last? Maybe it’s because I think my life is boring, I’m always looking for the next big thing. Speaking to women who don’t need to be spoken to, but I keep acting up because I know I can get away with it. Why do I find this fun. Life decisions like I haven’t learnt a thing. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t go down this path again. Feelings like I don’t care maybe because I was hurt and now I feel like I have ruin other people’s happiness because I fucked up my shot. With my tears shed, I feel alone again. So many people around why do I feel alone. I always tell myself I’ll never call you again. The only thing I seem to do right. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you at night. I remember all the fights. Sorry because I’ll probably lie again. Fuck.
This is going to be a quick blog post because I have to go on a run soon. I feel like I’m stuck in life right now like I’m not enjoying it. I just started working at this new place and there’s so many positives to it, like I’m a lot less stressed from work now. I make more money and my schedule is awesome. Just I don’t know, I feel bored more often. My routine lately has been work, run, smoke weed, shower, eat, sleep and repeat. So lately I’ve been thinking maybe I should start dating (get out of my comfort zone and just get to know more people), but I also don’t want to date because I’m saving my money to move out and next year live with my friends (living on long Island ain’t cheap). So I’m just blah. I also want to go back to school even if it’s community college on the weekends, I originally was majoring in psychology but I think I would like to switch my major to English because I do enjoy writing and I would like to become a better writer. I guess the point in my life right now that I’m experiencing is, what I want and who I want to become. I use to want this materialistic life where all these achievements in my life would make me happy and the amount of money I made was a measurement of my happiness, but I just want to enjoy life and live in the moment. I use to buy a lot of expensive name brand stuff and that doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I dress down a lot more and that makes me happy, so that’s good but what I do know is that, I want to be nice, caring, a person who helps/respect others even if others step on me or treat me like crap because in the end of the day I can’t control other people’s actions I can only control my own actions and I don’t want to stoop to anyone else’s level. Well if anyone has advice on what I should do to be less bored let me know.
I loved you so I set you free
But trust me you were my everything
I didn't want to give up
but trust me I did it for you
I wanted whatever was best for you
but trust me it just wasn't me
I wanted you to be happy
but trust me you know I made you mad
I promised you many things
But I broke those promises
I told you everything would be okay
But trust me I know this is true.
You hate this place because it’s not you. You don’t have a clique. You hate these people because they aren’t you. They never got you. You rather see stars and trees because that’s simply what sets you free. It’s unfortunate that there’s only cars and beaches, oh did I mention the pollution and yet you think you have the solution to solve this grand problem that the world must fix, the goal that you chase, the problem you try to erase. At least you know this home isn’t your place.
As for me I miss your face, I’m on this island and I know that this isn’t my place, this is where I met you and I’m in love with the memories. I have a clique, so I feel like I’m forced to stick, but I don’t want to be here too, when I’m home it doesn’t feel like when I was with you. Is it my time to go? You used to say, “home is wherever you are”. I think you found your home and your purpose and I know life is not a race, but I feel like you’re winning. I try to force myself to be happy on the island where I reside. On an island where it’s impossible to get lost, so you know I’m jealous of you because you can just get up and leave, you’re able to get lost. I guess I’m lucky because the lost I get is the I’m lost for words. I never know if I should speak to you or should I just let the cat keep my tongue.
Why don't you love me
Why did you leave
You left me alone
There was nothing to hold
No more stories to unfold
without a trace
I no longer see your face
we had a hot flame
burnt out , am I the one to blame?
How could this transpire?
Going through the wire
Yet I'm the liar.
Oh how I miss your skin
when will I ever win.