As if we were kids again. Let’s get lost in this moss we call the woods. The deeper I go, I feel my soul feel electric. This is what makes me feel alive. Not a care in the world, not afraid to die. Exploring new horizons, wondering what can we find. Excited by making new trails and paths. Just boys in the woods. Wondering how far our legs go. Wondering how long my lungs can last. Whether I walk slow or fast, noticing how my heart will react. Loving my sight, inspiration by a different kind of beauty. The Sun beaming, kissing my skin, drenched in sweat, can’t get enough of sunsets. Two boys wanting to take over the world, wishing we could just live here forever.
Lately I’ve been so in love with my life, I love nature, I love just being alive. I feel like I’ve been exploring so much I just love the place I live. I know it’s not the greatest place but there’s just so much places I haven’t explored, I have so much friends here, old ones and I make new ones every week. Just going with the flow.
Today at work my friend Jeff was being dumb as always but a truck pulled up while we were enjoying lunch outside and Jeff said I think he has a gun and I said to my coworkers “my life is so perfect right now, I don’t care if I die”, I’ve experienced so much in life. I feel like I experienced it all and I don’t want to die but I’d be okay if nature just took its course on me. Anyways the guy in the truck told me to come so I did. He was telling me he use to be a meth addict and that how God saved his life and he said one day he started praying and his addiction went away now I already do believe in God. So it was kind of cool just hearing his story. It was funny to see all my coworkers being afraid. So I guess the lesson of the day is be fearless! You never know who you’ll encounter, Thank you for telling me your story Joey.
Here’s a interesting YouTube video I was watching and I would like to give my own answer after you watch it.
The simple answer is yes. So around 6 minutes and 25 seconds I was able to relate with that man. I had one suicidal thought and it was the scariest thing ever. It happen February 9th the moment right after I called my ex. Luckily I did believe in God and had a relationship with him because I don’t know if I’d be here right now if didn’t but that’s a story for another day. I’m here to talk about my heart break, She was my high school sweetheart and my first real relationship, I definitely broke her heart way before she broke mine. I think she’s a wonderful young lady with a kind heart and anyone would be lucky to have her. I don’t hold grudges and I’ve tried to hate her but in the end of the day I never can. She was my bestfriend, yesterday I actually saw a photo of her on Facebook with her cap and gown, it was a bittersweet feeling because I thought I would be there for that chapter of her life, I was always trying to be her little cheerleader in the corner. Trying to help her with homework even though I knew nothing about environmental sciences, so trying to teach myself while trying to help someone else was pretty hard lol. You don’t understand how happy I am for her. When I saw that photo I had the biggest smile on my face because it was such a relief like yes she finally did it. I always knew she was able to do it but just seeing that photo was just a breath of fresh air.
Does it affect me today? Yes but not in the way you think. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for her. If you ever met her you’d probably think she was a weirdo if you just didn’t get her. Under that complex way of thinking she has, she makes you want to change for the better because he ideology of just life is just so humane and humble and I wanted to just like her. Whenever she was down or uncertain of how the future may be, you kind of just wanted to be this positive force for her because there is hope. This affects me today because I’m scared that I will never find someone I had that special bond with again, I’m scared that when I do find someone she won’t get all the love she deserves because in the back of my head there’s always going to be the thought of the bond me and ex had, will it ever compare to what I have now? It affects me today because with my relationships with other people (male or female), I often feel distant since I no longer open myself up to people and if I do open up it takes a lot longer than usual, that makes me a bit sad because I use to be this loud person but now I’m just more quiet if anything.
What would I tell her today? Well obviously just that I’m proud of her and I hope she continues to succeed in life. If I still know her like I use to I’d tell her don’t be scared. Just like us, and now college, this part of your life may be over but there’s many other adventures yet still to come.
This is the last time I write about you. This will be the first time I mention your name. Bailey, thank you for being my inspiration in my past posts. I took the pain from our relationship and wrote about it, I tried to turn it into something beautiful like you. I know you hated that because you didn’t like people knowing your business. I apologize for that. I no longer feel pain, I no longer feel sad, most importantly I no longer feel sorry for myself. I owe you multiple apologizes, I know you said you forgave me, but I know there will always be that part of yourself that doesn’t forgive me completely and that’s okay I understand that.
First thing I would like to apologize for is, putting you through hell and you having to put up with my bullshit. I apologize for being young and dumb, thinking I was untouchable. I thought rules didn’t apply to me, I believed you were a push over and knew I’d be able to get away with a lot of crap. I did get away with a lot too but in the end of the day there’s just so much crap one person can put up with, you know?
Second thing I would love to apologize for is, like in Ephesians 4:2 states “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” I was none of that towards you. I took out my frustration multiple times out on you. I said so many mean things to you on purpose just so I would get a reaction from you. I so sorry for the dumb shit I said. I wish I could take them back because I know those words are the things that linger in the long run. I wish I was more patient and gentler towards you. I wish I matured more to handle the beautiful thing I had right in front of me.
Lastly, I apologize for not being faithful. You didn’t deserve that from me. From anyone as matter of fact. I just want to state that during it at the time, and I know this is hard to believe but during me being unfaithful, I loved you. People think that people cheat because they fell out of love, for me that wasn’t the case. Temptations got the best of me. I don’t think I was ready for a relationship. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to live my life to fullest, but I also didn’t want to lose you because I did want to marry you someday.
Why am I writing this you ask? Well like I said I will no longer write about her, so for the people who enjoy my poems, I won’t be writing as many, my blog will transition to me telling stories about my life, and it’s not her fault, I swear. It’s because I no longer feel the pain I felt. If you did like and enjoy my poems then you should thank her. She has been my inspiration behind it all.
One last thing, tips or just advice for my ex, you may not need it, but I would like to share my wisdom with you. You don’t have to please everyone in the world, be selfish put yourself first. Your happiness comes first. I’m glad I met you, you’re my hardest lesson ever learned and the person I have loved the most so far in my life. Like everyone who wins the lottery, they lose it all. That’s what happen to me when it came to you. I was the luckiest man because I had you. People must know that women like you just don’t come along that often. Loving, caring, silly, creative, supportive, loyal, and there’s just so much more I can say but I don’t want to drag this post but whoever ends up with her, will be the luckiest person in the world. I will continue to live my best life and will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers every night. I know you’re meant to do great things. Some days you may feel lost or not know what to do. Just do whatever makes you happiest who cares about what everyone else thinks or how long it may take because you can do anything if you set your mind to it. If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to ask, you’ll always have a friend in me.
Maybe our souls will cross paths again in another life.
Your Friend, Steven
You really do appreciate all the little things people do for you when they’re gone. Don’t take people for granted. Nothing last forever. There’s just so much bullshit someone can put up with until they want to go. The thing about change is, you can change all you want, but the other person doesn’t need to take you back, that’s their decision and you just have to accept that, just continue to change for the better. Don’t change for someone else, change because you want to be that person who gives and does better. Always be the version of yourself. Always be kind to others and remember to smile, life is too short to be sad or angry. Don’t feel sorry all the time, everyone makes mistakes. Live in the moment, enjoy every second. Remember people love you.
Just something I have to remind myself everyday.
No one thinks about the jester
But the jester thinks about you
I have to keep you entertained
I mean you’re the queen living in the castle
And I’m the man without a home
I still wonder when you’ll let me in
All those knights, yet I’m still stupid enough to put up a fight
All those nights, I’m still acting like a fool
But you’re the queen and I’m your tool
On some days, even me the jester wants the queen
Maybe one day I’ll see you and tell you I found someone new,
someone who doesn’t give up on me.
Maybe one day I’ll see you and tell you I’m in love with someone else,
someone would loves me better than you did.
Maybe one day I’ll see you and tell you I’m extremely happy,
happier since you left my life.
Today I haven’t found anyone new.
Today I’m still madly in love with you.
Today no matter how happy I think I am, it will never compared to the moments I was with you.