Promise to myself.

I keep telling myself how I don’t want to repeat my actions and mistakes from my past but I’m so dumb, if I keep acting like this will it last? Maybe it’s because I think my life is boring, I’m always looking for the next big thing. Speaking to women who don’t need to be spoken to, but I keep acting up because I know I can get away with it. Why do I find this fun. Life decisions like I haven’t learnt a thing. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t go down this path again. Feelings like I don’t care maybe because I was hurt and now I feel like I have ruin other people’s happiness because I fucked up my shot. With my tears shed, I feel alone again. So many people around why do I feel alone. I always tell myself I’ll never call you again. The only thing I seem to do right. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you at night. I remember all the fights. Sorry because I’ll probably lie again. Fuck.

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Sometimes.

Sometimes it takes a drunk call to certain someone to make you realize you’re alone
Sometimes it takes a bit of throwing up to realize there’s no one there to help
Sometimes it takes a stranger to make you realize they aren’t my home.
Sometimes it takes a bit of drugs to make you believe everything will be okay.
Sometimes it takes a friend to make you realize you aren’t helpless
Sometimes it takes God to make you realize you have to keep faith
Sometimes you have to revisit the past to realize you were the one.

Love me…

Why don't you love me 
Why did you leave
You left me alone 
There was nothing to hold 
No more stories to unfold 
without a trace 
I no longer see your face 
we had a hot flame 
burnt out , am I the one to blame?
How could this transpire?
Going through the wire 
Yet I'm the liar. 
Oh how I miss your skin 
when will I ever win. 

Steven’s Christmas Carol

Pretending to be fine

Wishing you were mine.

I wanted to be yours this Christmas

I wanted to be on your wishlist.

I wish I was kissing you under the mistletoe

I didn’t think you would go.

Staring at the tree

Wondering where you could be.

Siting by the fire

Wishing I was beside her.

I gave you my all

How’d you let me fall.

I’m still in love with you

That’s why I’m feeling blue this Christmas.

Today is Christmas Eve

How could you leave?

Always thought we were meant be

This is so hard to believe.

The weather outside is so cold

These feelings are getting old.

Knowing I have to keep my distance

I still hope you have a Merry Christmas.

How Nostalgic Is Your Music?

Recently Spotify came out with a playlist called your top songs 2018, obviously this is a playlist of the song you listened to the most this year. Music for me was always a powerful tool, because whenever I couldn’t express myself using words there was always a song that could just explain how I was feeling. On top of that music always brings back certain memories for me it’s kind of like how when you smell something familiar like let’s say grandma’s cookies, so you picture yourself as a child at grandma’s house, well that’s what music does for me. This playlist brought back so many memories while I went on my run the other day. I ran to the beach for the first time in a while (because it’s a bit far and I’ve been out of shape to run that far) but man I had the whole beach to myself and I sang my heart out, tears came out as I’m remembering some memories I had with my ex on this beach. All the memories were good memories, but they are memories that I just wish could happen again you know? My ex was the only girl that was able to answer this question, “what’s your favorite song?” whenever I ask any other girl, they hit me with the I listen to everything. My ex answered with “If I Die Young by The Perry Band and Being Again by Taylor Swift” this morning when I woke up at 5am and for some odd reason I really want to listen to “Begin Again” and I don’t really go on my ex’s Instagram but I’m scrolling through and I just say out loud to myself “wow, she’s beautiful.”. I will always think to myself that I let the best thing that has ever happen to me walk away from my life. I broke up with my ex and when I wanted her back she didn’t want me anymore. I wish I was stronger back then to withstand the pain I was going through at the time but my pride didn’t let me. I lost the most compassionate, sweet, kind (she doesn’t really like being called being sweet or kind because she thinks people take advantage of her because it’s a sign of weakness) intelligent, understanding and just a ride or die person I’ve ever met and she was so supportive, always pushing me to be the best person I could be. Now she’s all a distant memory and music is what I have left of her. Today I’m listening to “Begin Again” on repeat just wishing it would begin again.

Bleeding In Silence

How many times a day do people ask you “how do you feel?” or “how are you?” probably at least once a day right? How many times do you actually tell them how you feel? I use to keep to myself a lot because as men we really aren’t taught to talk or express our feelings. Bottling up your emotions was a skilled I mastered, no one ever knew when I was upset because I always carried a big smile on my face, but in reality I was bleeding in silence. Hurting everyday with so much weight on my shoulders, I would just brush it off and acted like everything was okay. Living this way made me drink alcohol because this made me feel better about myself for a bit but is that really okay? I’m not saying alcohol is terrible because I do drink still, just once in a blue moon especially around the holidays but I definitely don’t drink like I used to nor do I ever want to go back to that point in my life. It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to be upset or sad, everyone has emotions and we have to learn how to express them, it will always be hard for me to share my emotions but I’m learning. With this being said we as men shouldn’t be ashamed of showing emotions or being sensitive. If you need to talk to someone do it! Everyone has someone that cares about them, and if you don’t have that person in your life, feel free to contact me I’ll listen. Remember mental health is important as physical health.  

Be Kind…

Today I experienced one of the worst days of my life. Nothing really terrible happened just, I broke my kitchen blind (which I bought a new one and replaced myself so my mom wouldn’t yell at me before she came from work) and my car got stuck in snow but that didn’t ruin my day, this did. Like I mentioned my car got stuck in snow, this lady was just helping everyone push their car so they would get unstuck, luckily for her I saw this and I had just called out of work because of my car being stuck plus my dumbass didn’t get gas the day before and my gas light went on so I figured oh well might as well help her push cars, so I’m helping this lady push cars then some asshole driving by yelled out “yeah you push that car you fat bitch” I felt so bad and I didn’t know what to say to the woman. Like I don’t understand why people are so rude and disrespectful, this woman was the only person kind enough to get out of her car to help others in need, so after a few seconds of me comprehending what the fuck just happened, I said to her, “I’m really sorry about that” and I really wish I said more to her. Someone shouldn’t get made fun of because of their weight, no matter how big or skinny someone is. My advice to the world is be kind. You never know what the next person is experiencing in life so be nice to others, even if someone is mean to you just be kind, people lash out in anger and it might not be directed to you but their current emotion is anger so they come off as an asshole to you, so just take that into inconsideration when dealing with an angry person and don’t be mean back because maybe you’re just making their day worst. I wish I caught that lady’s name and got the chance to tell her how great of a person she is and to the guy in the car who yelled that awful thing to her you should be really ashamed of yourself. I mean didn’t your mother raise you better? Haven’t you heard of the expression “if you have nothing nice to say, you really should say nothing at all” and if you have kids, you’re just being a bad role model for them, so be like the nice lady and just be kind.